


cursed.doc

by jiminie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Chatting & Messaging, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mutual Pining, Romance, Teenagers, Texting, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2018-11-29 05:15:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11433906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiminie/pseuds/jiminie
Summary: In which Jaehyun has issues, Taeil wants an A, Donghyuck is bored, Taeyong is emo, Yuta needs sleep, Doyoung hates his life, and Johnny just wants everyone to get along. and the group chat from hell is going to help with this. Somehow.~00:33John Seo added Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul, Kim Dongyoung, Lee Taeyong, Moon Taeil, Jung Jaehyun and Nakamoto Yuta to the group.Kim Dongyoung: the fuckor nct chat fic where they're all shitty teenagers #1283479 lol





	1. kinky pringles

00:33

 

John Seo added Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul, Kim Dongyoung, Lee Taeyong, Moon Taeil, Jung Jaehyun and Nakamoto Yuta to the chat.

 

Kim Dongyoung: the fuck

 

John Seo set his nickname to ‘Johnny’

 

Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul: oi bitch change mine too

 

Johnny: change it urself.

 

Nakamoto Yuta: fuck a fake friend where the real friends at

 

Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul: hmm yes

Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul: how

 

Lee Taeyong: with great skill and dexterity

 

Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul: bitch fuk u

 

Lee Taeyong: Calm Down Edge Lord

 

Moon Taeil set Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul’s nickname to ‘Ten’

 

Ten: Thank You

 

Jung Jaehyun: you Literally could have changed that yourself??

 

Kim Dongyoung: i reiterate

Kim Dongyoung: the Fuck

 

Ten: fuck you hombre

 

Kim Dongyoung: ho i just want to know why the fuck im here

 

Ten: not you doyoung

 

Jung Jaehyun: i think he was talking to me

 

Kim Dongyoung: well fuck you both idont even fuckin know u ho step off

 

Lee Taeyong: dongyoung dude chill

 

Kim Dongyoung: nahh bitch i know You and you can step off too

 

Moon Taeil: johnny why have you done this

Moon Taeil: dont we already have a gc?

 

Johnny: yeah but that ones dead lol

 

Kim Dongyoung: mate idk half the people here no thanks

 

Johnny: you only dont know jaehyun?

 

Kim Dongyoung: ,,,,,,

 

Lee Taeyong set his nickname to ‘TY’

 

TY: no offense but who tf is a jaehyun

 

Jung Jaehyun: me ho

 

Nakamoto Yuta: bicth we got that

 

Jung Jaehyun renamed the group ‘bicth’

 

Nakamoto Yuta removed Jung Jaehyun from the group

 

Johnny: guys pls

 

Johnny added Jung Jaehyun to the group

 

Jung Jaehyun: like dust i rise hoes

 

Jung Jaehyun set his nickname to ‘Maya Angelou’

 

TY: man who is you

 

Johnny: dudes, jae’s a friend of mine from the year below ok he’s chill

 

Maya Angelou: wassup

 

Nakamoto Yuta set Jung Jaehyun’s nickname to ‘child’

 

child: ho

 

child set Nakamoto Yuta’s nickname to ‘old man’

 

old man set Moon Taeil’s nickname to ‘oldest man’

 

oldest man: why must i be dragged into this let me eat in peace

 

TY set Moon Taeil’s nickname to ‘taeil’

 

taeil: better

 

Ten: boi what u eating its like 12:40

 

Kim Dongyoung: 12:41 actually

 

Ten removed Kim Dongyoung from the group

 

old man: isnt eating before you go to sleep like really bad for your health

 

Johnny added Kim Dongyoung to the group

 

taeil: who tf said i was going to sleep soon ho

taeil: slepp is for the weak

 

Kim Dongyoung: and so is good spelling apparently

 

taeil: suck a dick doyoung

 

Kim Dongyoung: am trying honey :/

 

child set Kim Dongyoung’s nickname to ‘ho’

 

ho: bitch

ho: you don’t even know me

 

child: and i know you’re a ho already so what does that tell you

 

Ten: lmao he wishes

 

Ten set Kim Dongyoung’s nickname to ‘wannabe ho’

 

Johnny: i tell u what i want

Johnny what i really really want

 

Ten: so tell me what u want what you rlly rlly want

 

TY: what

 

Johnny: ill tell you what i want what i really really want

 

child: so tell me what you want what u really really want

 

Johnny: i wanna, i wanna, i wanna, i wanna

 

child: i wanna really really really wanna

 

Ten: that Dick

 

TY: w h a t

 

wannabe ho: cmon tae you know what a dick is u’ve literally had taeil’s up ur ass

 

taeil: uM

taeil: ho what dont u understand from I’m Trying To Eat

 

Johnny: hmm sounds fake i dont think u eat anything but taeyong’s ass

 

old man: wouldn’t he starve??

 

wannabe ho: on taeyong’s ass? Sure

wannabe ho: that shit is Flat As

 

TY: bitch fucking fite me

 

child: taeyong and taeil are together? The More You Know

 

wannabe ho: um bitch no offense but literally everyone knew that

wannabe ho: my fuckin cousin saw taeyong succin dick in the loos one time

 

child: 100% offense but i legit only know johnny and ten so why would i know that

child: idek why the fuck im here

 

Johnny: whats wrong with wanting my friends to be friends

 

wannabe ho: hmm did u mean: acquaintances

 

old man: lmao that’s cold

 

Johnny removed wannabe ho from the group

 

Johnny: don’t need no snakes in here

 

taeil added Kim Dongyoung to the group

 

taeil: hiss hiss fuckers

taeil: also me n tae aren’t together

 

Ten: what

 

Kim Dongyoung: what

 

old man: what

 

Johnny: what

 

TY: what

TY: jk i knew that lol

 

child: i should hope so telling the gc ur not together would be the shittest way to break up

 

Johnny: worse than you with sooyeon?

 

child: hmm lets not

 

old man: omg how’d he do it?

 

Ten: didnt u do it over text?

 

child: ,,,,,,,,

 

Johnny: whilst he was drunk

 

child: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

Johnny: it was q poetic if i remember correctly

 

child: look i dint come here to get roasted

 

Ten: roses are red

 

Johnny: i like cheese on a pringle

 

Ten: what i’m trying to say is

 

Johnny: i want to be single

 

Kim Dongyoung set Jung Jaehyun’s nickname as ‘heartbreaker’

 

heartbreaker: look i was young i was foolish

 

TY: but still old enough to drink

 

heartbreaker: what can i say im a road man

 

old man: aw ur cute

 

heartbreaker: fuck u we dated for 1 week n she cheated on me you fucks

 

taeil: guys i think we’re missing the key point here

taeil: ‘i like cheese on a pringle’

 

heartbreaker: its good ok

heartbreaker: you should try it

 

TY: y dont you just have nachos or smth

 

heartbreaker set Lee Taeyong’s nickname as ‘h8r’

 

heartbreaker: its different ok

 

Kim Dongyoung: plus it sounds cheaper ngl

 

heartbreaker set Kim Dongyoung’s nickname to ‘l0ver’

 

heartbreaker: this man understands me

 

Ten: what kind of pringles tho

 

heartbreaker: i’ve only ever tried it with original actually

 

old man: how vanilla.

 

Johnny: are you saying you want kinky pringles

 

taeil: just let me bleach my eyes so i can can remove any trace of the sentence from my retinas real quick

 

h8r: but babe

h8r: if u bleach ur eyes, how will i be able to stare into them?

 

taeil: babe,,,

 

Ten: yuo hoes said u werent together?? This is fake news and lying

 

h8r: ,,,,,,,

 

taeil: we’re just friends who suck each other’s dicks n call each other babe sometimes

 

h8r: *best friends

 

l0ver: bitch u gay as fuck

 

h8r: stfu bitch we’re all gay here

 

Johnny: i mean im bi but yea lol

 

Ten: tru af my dude this is a House of Gay

 

old man renamed the group ‘House of Gay’

 

heartbreaker: um not tru im a token straight

 

l0ver: oh honey i thought that once too

 

Johnny: jae i legit thought you were bi

 

l0ver: its ok we all go through phases its a natural part of growing up

 

heartbreaker: ffs its too late for this nonsense

 

l0ver set Jung Jaehyun’s nickname to ‘ ‘’’’’’’’’straight’’’’’’’’’’ ‘

 

old man: ny one want to go to tesco

old man: am craving crunchy nut

 

‘’’’’’’’’straight’’’’’’’’’’: you guys have known me for less than an hour ok

 

Johnny: incorrect i have known u my whole life and i thought u were bi the entire time im incredibly shookt

 

Ten: you have often been number one on our ‘lets count our gay friends’ list

 

‘’’’’’’’’straight’’’’’’’’’’: lmao im honoured

 

taeil: um excuse u why am i not number 1

 

Ten: cause apparently u dont have a boyfriend wtf

 

h8r: ten dude just let it be

h8r: we’re just friends. Thats it.

 

taeil: on the bright side this means you and johnny are officially the cutest couple as you have no competition

 

Ten: ho there never was any doubt

 

taeil: excuse you

taeil: taeyong and me would be adorable

 

old man: are you defending your and tae’s hypothetical relationship?

 

Johnny: if u guys are so cute why aren’t you fukin dating

 

‘’’’’’’’’straight’’’’’’’’’’: guys

‘’’’’’’’’straight’’’’’’’’’’: taeyong and taeil dont have to date

‘’’’’’’’’straight’’’’’’’’’’: the same way i dont have to be gay

‘’’’’’’’’straight’’’’’’’’’’: its all ok

 

l0ver: first of all fuk u ur wrong

 

old man: jaehyun, i dont think u understand how fucking cute taeyong and taeil are

 

Johnny: its the cutest most supportive shit i’ve ever seen

 

taeil:  see ten even ur boyfriend admits we’re the cutest

 

Ten: it’s hyperbole bitch

 

old man: lmao iconic

 

h8r: seriously tho lads

h8r: if we dont have romantic feeling for each other why would we date??

 

taeil: preachhh

 

l0ver: because u obviously do?

 

old man: you two just aren’t aware yet

 

Johnny: also taeil if u two were dating im sure taeyong would let u fuck him in the ass

 

h8r: ,,,,,,,

 

taeil: look lads im trying to eat my cereal here

 

Ten: shit johnny u can’t make him too horny to eat his cereal

 

‘’’’’’’’’straight’’’’’’’’’’: bitch u been eating for a long ass time

 

taeil set the nickname for Jung Jaehyun to ‘rude ho’

 

l0ver: very fitting

 

taeil set Kim Dongoyung’s nickname to ‘ruder ho’

 

rude ho: HA bitch get served

 

ruder ho: oh but look babe we match its so cute

 

rude ho: ,,,,,,,

 

h8r: how come yall wont leave us in peace but these two get a free ride?

 

Ten: havent u heard?

Ten: jaehyun’s a Straight

 

rude ho: damn straight

 

Johnny: lmao sure

 

rude ho: j o h n n y

rude ho: why dont you have my back here dude

 

Johnny: cause i was pretty sure you were bi for 4 years man thats why

 

ruder ho: he’s being salty and honestly i approve

 

old man: not to be a weakass bitch but guys i need some fucking sleep please stop blowing up my phone

 

Ten set Nakamoto Yuta’s nickname as ‘weakass bitch’

 

h8r: just turn ur notifs off?

 

weakass bitch: if i do that i turn my alarm off

weakass bitch: if i dont have me alarm im sleep forever

 

ruder ho: sounds like the Dream tbh

 

rude ho: surely u have separate settings for notifs and alarms

 

Ten: lol he probably does but yuta is shit with technology

Ten: fucking hermit mountain man fucker

 

weakass bitch: i cant help that technology hates me

weakass bitch: u cant expect me to be good with technology jus cause im japanese thats racist u ho

 

Ten: bitch where the fuck did that come from

 

weakass bitch: idk man im feeling some things rn

weakass bitch: why cant the people understand im too pretty to be a nerd

 

ruder ho: lmao fake news

 

weakass bitch: shit man u dragged me into a convo my eyes sting dudes Let Me Rest

 

rude ho: more like u got dragged ohhh

 

Johnny: how about

Johnny: u stop being a weakass who can’t handle how lit the gc is and bullshit ur way through tomorrow on 0.87 hours sleep like an adult

 

weakass bitch: um because im 5 and i want to go to bed

weakass bitch: fucker

 

taeil: you Are five lol that’s accurate

 

Ten: we’re all the same age? Ur five too ho

 

ruder ho: nuh uh jaehyun is a baby

 

taeil: ever heard of a metaphor bitch?

 

h8r set Jung Jaehyun’s nickname to ‘4’

 

4: excuse u im a 10

 

Ten: no im a ten u ho

 

taeil: i t s  t i m e  t o  s t o p

 

h8r: guys maybe yuta’s right we should get some sleep

 

Johnny set Leet Taeyong’s nickname to ‘weakass bitch #2’

 

weakass bitch: second place ho

 

weakass bitch #2: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

taeil: lol u know he’s seething rn

 

weakass bitch #2: babe

weakass bitch #2: why u gotta do me dirty like that

 

Ten: SEE LOOK AT THIS

Ten: I CAN BARELY GET JOHNNY TO CALL ME BABE EVER

Ten: AND WE’VE BEEN DATING FOR A YEAR AND A HALF

 

ruder ho: 2tae are #relationshipgoals

 

Johnny: ten do you want me to call you babe?

 

4: how are they relationship goals? They aren’t in a relationship they just go down on each other occasionally

 

ruder ho: exactly. relationship goals

 

Ten: ,,,,,,,,,,,

Ten: im not talking to u about this in a group chat

 

weakass bitch: lmao fair I don’t want to hear ur kink negotations

 

weakass bitch #2: why did you have to phrase it like that

 

Johnny: ten ur so cute babe

Johnny: and taeyong don’t fucking even try ur literally the kinkiest bitch here

 

weakass bitch #2: This Is Slander

 

taeil: lmao bitch not its not

 

Ten: TAIL STOP RIGHT THERE I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT THANKS XOX

 

4: tail

 

weakass bitch #2: tail

 

weakass bitch: tail

 

ruder ho: tail

 

taeil set his nickname to ‘tail’

 

tail: tail

 

Ten: fuck yall

 

Johnny: tail

 

Ten: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

Johnny: sorry babe

 

4: bros before hoes

 

Ten: we’re over John

 

ruder ho: fuck bitch u just got the ‘John’ treatment

 

Johnny: what if i blow u after school tomorrow?

 

Ten: ,,,,,

Ten: I guess I could be persuaded

 

weakass bitch #2: why must u discuss this here

 

Johnny: why not blowjobs r a natural part of life

 

weakass bitch: ??????

weakass bitch: what does that even mean

 

Ten: it means

Ten: blow jobs are a natural part of life

Ten: learn ur slang old man

 

weakass bitch: ,,,,,,,,,

weakass bitch: im like 4 months older than you

 

Ten: and a day

 

ruder ho: ten is the level of pettiness i aspire to be

 

Ten:  aww bitch thank you

Ten: i cant take all the credit tho - it goes to all of u for keeping me petty by being annoying dicks

 

4: thanks we’re honoured.

 

Johnny: um why r so many people named after numbers in this group chat as a victim of secondary school maths im offended

 

ruder ho: shit u right

ruder ho: @Lee Taeyong this is ur fault

 

weakass bitch #2: why???

 

4: you made me ‘4’ ho

4: it increased the maths

 

ruder ho set Jung Jaehyun’s nickname as ‘fuck the police’

 

fuck the police: um

 

weakass bitch: isnt it also ten’s parents fault

 

Ten: wot

 

weakass bitch: ur parents gave u the nickname 10 right?

weakass bitch: dw i know its nt ur full name im not that dumb

 

Ten: hey yuta

 

weakass bitch: yea?

 

Ten: dont.

 

ruder ho: tag urself im ‘dont.’

 

fuck the police: im ‘dw i know its nt ur full name im not that dumb’

 

Johnny: um lads where tf is taeil

 

fuck the police: dont u mean tail

 

weakass bitch #2: he went bed after he finished his cereal lads ur lucky you got him up this late

weakass bitch #2: taeil likes to go to be no later than 11:10 on a school night

 

fuck the police: jfc i tried to defend you earlier man but that is some domestic shit are you sure ur not dating?

 

Ten: or at least married

 

Johnny: i dont think thats how it works

 

Ten: thats cause ur a melt

 

ruder ho: ten’s dating tips 101: call ur boyfriend a melt

 

weakass bitch: how come when me n taeyong say we should sleep u all come for our arses but when taeil fully falls asleep u dont even try to roast

 

Johnny: cause he’s not being a whiny weakass bitch about it and is geting on with it

 

ruder ho: and we like taeil

 

fuck the police: fuk you got Draggt

 

weakass bitch #2: :/

 

weakass bitch: are we really going to take this lying down taeyong?

 

weakass bitch #2: sure im ready to lie down and do the fuck to sleep and so should you goodnight kids

 

Ten: lmao you got Betrayed

 

weakass bitch: et tu, brute?

 

Johnny: i think he’s gone offline

 

weakass bitch: then fall (asleep) caesar

 

ruder ho: stfu

 

Ten: that was so fucking dumb omg

fuck the police has removed weakass bitch from the chat

 

Johnny: hey now we cant bully him if hes not here

 

Johnny added Nakamoto Yuta to the chat

 

Nakamoto Yuta: god damnit

Nakamoto Yuta: thought id escaped this hell pit

 

Ten: lads imma call it a night see u lads

 

fuck the police: night ten

 

Johnny: night baby <3

 

ruder ho: pls keep that shit Out of the gc this has been a psa thank u

 

Johnny: just cause ur jealous and lonely

 

ruder ho: jealous and lonely? Never

ruder ho: thirsty and tired of ur bs? Always

ruder ho: but gn ten sleep well

 

Nakamoto Yuta: aww doyoungie who knew you could be so caring

 

ruder ho: i will cut ur dick off

 

Johnny: ho u is afraid of knives and cannot do dissection in biology shut ur gay ass up

 

ruder ho: never its my only talent

 

Nakamoto Yuta: thats literally not true

 

ruder ho: stfu

 

Nakamoto Yuta: am trying but yall keep blowing up my phone

 

fuck the police: well thats not our problem

 

Johnny: but if ur so mad about it

 

ruder ho: we can stop ho

 

Nakamoto Yuta: fucking do it you trashlords i bet u cant last 30 seconds

 

Nakamoto Yuta: guys?

Nakamoto Yuta: guys????

 

01:29

 

Nakamoto Yuta: ffs i hate y’all


	2. twunks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a cheeky guide/reminder:
> 
> h8r - taeyong  
> ruder ho - doyoung
> 
> everyone else should be p obvious lol

15:47 - House of Gay

 

h8r: am I a twink

 

Nakamoto Yuta: um

 

Johnny: what brought this on

 

Ten: eh kinda

Ten: more of a twunk tho

 

tail: a twunk?

 

Ten: like a twwink and a hunk

 

ruder ho: i see that i see that

ruder ho: i see those arms

 

tail: relatable omg

 

Johnny: @Lee Tayong why do u need to know

 

tail: those arms are A++++

 

h8r: i was just wondering ok

 

Nakamoto Yuta: but if a taeyong’s a twunk, is he like a 50/50 twink-hunk split or is it more like 70-30

 

Johnny: are you asking if there’s a twink-hunk scale

 

ruder ho: if sexuality is a spectrum why not twink-hunkness

 

tail: the true gay agenda

 

h8r: okj you guys are really making me hate the word hunk

 

ruder ho renamed the group ‘hunks aloud’

 

Ten: excuse u ho

 

Ten renamed the group ‘the spice hunks’

 

Nakamoto Yuta: but there are seven of us?

 

tail: i dont think they’re going for a technical approach here

 

ruder ho renamed the group ‘the seven hunks’

 

ruder ho: happy now?

 

tail: very

 

h8r: whats the joke

 

Johnny: seven dwarfs right?

 

ruder ho: yup

ruder ho: taeyong can be dopey

 

h8r: you can be grumpy

 

tail: now now kids lets not insult each other by using names of the 7 dwarves its a bit immature

 

ruder ho: ur mum’s immature

ruder ho: and yuta is bashful

 

Nakamoto Yuta: thanks,,,?

Nakamoto Yuta: also is it dwarfs or dwarves

 

Johnny: what am i what am i

 

ruder ho: hmmmm idk

 

Ten: what am i

 

ruder ho: sneezy

 

Johnny:,,,,,

Johnny: fine i see how it is hoes

 

Ten: sorry babe i can’t help it that im popular

 

ruder ho: jaehyun can be doc

 

h8r: why? I thought doc was the oldest shouldnt taeil be doc?

 

ruder ho: um mate this is an Exact Science based on more than foolish things like Age

 

Nakamoto Yuta: well what is taeil then??

 

ruder ho: happy.

 

tail: nice

 

Johnny: do we get to know your reasoning behind any of this?

 

ruder ho: sure can you keep a secret?

 

Johnny: sure

 

ruder ho: so can i

 

h8r: did u just give taeil happy because when you asked if he was happy now he said ‘very’

 

ruder ho: ,,,,,,,,

ruder ho: you pay a lot of attention to taeil’s input for someone whos not his boyfriend

 

h8r: ?????what

 

Ten: that, is what we call in the profession, a reach

 

tail: ho you is unemployed

 

Ten: :(

 

Nakamoto Yuta: lads does anyone want to go to tesco

 

Ten set Moon Taeil’s nickname to ‘happy’

 

Ten set Lee Taeyong’s nickname to ‘dopey’

 

Ten set Kim Dongyoung’s nickname to ‘grumpy’

 

Ten set Nakamoto Yuta’s nickname to ‘bashful’

 

Ten set his nickname to ‘snezzy’

 

dopey: lol snezzy

 

snezzy: fuck u my dude

 

snezzy: set his nickname to ‘sneezy’

 

sneezy set Jung Jaehyun’s nickname to ‘doc’

 

grumpy: speaking of jaehyun where tf is he

 

bashful: technically no ones speaking its a group chat we’re all messaging

 

grumpy removed bashful from the group

 

dopey: why do u have to remove him all the time cant we have a 3 strikes rule or something

 

grumpy: tae, yuta got all three strikes the first time i met him 16 years ago the bitch should be out of my life by now he’s running on borrowed time

 

Johnny added Nakamoto Yuta to the group

 

happy: lol yuta u got read

 

Nakamoto Yuta: meet me in the fucking pit Kim

 

grumpy: nah not unless the pit is my bed

 

Nakamoto Yuta: um

 

sneezy: doyoung i know you’re thirsty but come on - yuta?

 

Nakamoto Yuta: um rude ho everyone wants this ass

 

grumpy: i didnt mean it like that you dick

 

Johnny: but you still want That Dick

 

grumpy: ,,,,,,

 

dopey removed Johnny from the group

 

dopey: i will keep this chat Clean thank you

 

grumpy: i was gonna remove him

 

grumpy added John Seo to the group

 

John Seo: howdy

 

grumpy removed John Seo from the group

 

sneezy: lmao

 

Nakamoto Yuta: i was about to write how cowboys say goodbye but i realised I don’t know how cowboys say good bye

 

happy: wow yuta you sure are an interesting person.

 

Nakamoto Yuta: fuq off

 

sneezy: that sarcasm was fully toxic i cant breath im dy ing

 

Nakamoto Yuta: die faster

 

grumpy: excuse u if anyones dying here its gonna be me

 

dopey: ???????

 

sneezy: ok i miss johnny

 

sneezy added John Seo to the group

 

dopey: ur whipped

 

Nakamoto Yuta: no offense but everyone knows johnny is the whipped one in their relationship come on

 

John Seo: lol he right

 

grumpy: also tae you’re completely whipped also?

 

dopey: am not

 

sneezy: excuse you we’re both whipped for each other its called love and support you should try it sometime

 

grumpy: ew no thanks

grumpy: i just want a who can suck me off and hold my hand without any emotional bullshit

 

dopey removed grumpy from the group

dopey: CLEAN

 

John Seo set his nickname as ‘johnny’

 

happy added Kim Dongyoung to the group

 

happy: sorry babe snakes stay together

 

dopey: the AUDACITY

dopey: jk idm

 

Kim Dongyoung: @Lee Taeyong what you said about not being whipped?

 

Nakamoto Yuta: im screenshotting this lol

 

dopey: fuck off we’re not even together we’ve been over this

 

happy: you are starting to get a little repetitive guys

 

johnny: We Shall Never Surrender

 

Nakamoto Yuta: fun fact winston churchill was racist

 

happy: ,,,,,how is that fact fun

 

Nakamoto Yuta: im not saying racism is fun its not

Nakamoto Yuta: i just like a fact

Nakamoto Yuta: facts r fun

 

Kim Dongyoung: tag urself im ‘im not saying racism is fun its not’

Kim Dongyoung: no one? Ok

Kim Dongyoung: damnit never thought id say this but i miss jaehyun where is that ho he would tag himself unlike you traitor hos

 

johnny: ok a couple of things

 

dopey: pls no more text essays

 

happy: why cant u guys just send it all in one message?

 

Kim Dongyoung: the genius comes to me as it does i cant help it

 

johnny: firstly, jae is at basketball practise

johnny: its every wednesday just so you know

 

happy: wot diid a fookin sae

 

Kim Dongyoung: basketball is gay

 

Nakamoto Yuta: since w h e n

 

dopey: taeil was i supposed to read that in a scottish accent cause i did

 

Kim Dongyoung: but also sexc mm

Kim Dongyoung: and since gays can do sport so therefore sport = gay

 

Nakamoto Yuta: lmao fair enough

 

happy: och aye

 

johnny: stop

 

happy: you stop

 

dopey: ANYWAY

 

Kim Dongyoung: omg yea continue johnno

 

happy: johnno?

 

Kim Dongyoung: i heard ten call him that once

 

johnny: thats because johnny is sucking my dick

 

Nakamoto Yuta: johnny how do you suck ur own dick

 

Kim Dongyoung: yuta - why do you need to know

 

Nakamoto Yuta: ,,,,,,,,,,,,

Nakamoto Yuta: i hate you

 

Kim Dongyoung: bitch me too the fuck

 

happy: guys i dont think johnny is sucking his own dick here - that’s probably ten on johnny’s phone

 

Kim Dongyoung: ohhh

Kim Dongyoung: lmao

 

dopey: why must you all type so fast dont you have homework to do

 

johnny: yes but that doesnt mean im doing it

 

happy: wait is this johnny or ten

 

johnny: still ten

johnny: johnny’s in the bathroom

 

Kim Dongyoung: yo ten did u ever get that blowjob?

 

Johnny: hun what do you think is about to happen xox

 

dopey: guys can we please ban the blowjob talk i think theres far too much going on

 

Nakamoto Yuta: theres far too many blow jobs? Now thats the kind of problem id like to have

 

dopey: literally not what i said

 

Kim Dongyoung: but what did you say?

 

dopey: you can scroll up and read it.

 

Nakamoto Yuta: how?

 

Kim Dongyoung: whats a scroll up

 

dopey: ,,,,,,,

 

Kim Dongyoung: c’mon tae what happened to u being a roadman?

 

Nakamoto Yuta: what happened to the bants

 

johnny: that all died when he fell in love with taeil

 

dopey: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

Nakamoto Yuta: well they do say love changes u

 

dopey: guys cmon

 

happy: its not that love changed him, its that he wanted to be a better person for love

 

dopey: taeIL

 

happy: yes babe?

 

johnny: lmao

johnny: gtg

 

Kim Dongyoung: got to go more like got to blow

 

dopey: stfu

 

Kim Dongyoung: also taeil more like betrayil

 

dopey: im warning you dongyoung

 

Kim Dongyoung: im warning you more like im boring you get shrekt lee

 

dopey has removed Kim Dongyoung from the chat

 

happy: hey now

 

Nakamoto Yuta added Kim Dongyoung to the chat

 

Kim Dongyoung: you’re an all star

 

Nakamoto Yet set Kim Dongyoung’s nickname to ‘shrek’

 

happy: not what I meant

 

shrek: but its what I meant

 

doc: what did you mean?

 

happy: hey jaehyun

 

doc: hey guys what the diddly fuck is going on

 

dopey: scroll up

 

doc: damn ok bitch

 

Nakamoto Yuta: he’s just being a wet blanket don’t mind him

 

shrek: wow yuta didn’t know you were 75 year old grandma with 3 cats and a cliff richard obsession how that pension doing?

 

Nakamoto Yuta: wtf the fuck

 

happy: i think what he means is no one under the age of 60 uses the phrase ‘wet blanket’ anymore

 

johnny: lmao savage

 

doc: hey johnny

 

shrek: hey how come he gets a named hello

 

doc: idk who you all are

doc: i would  ‘scroll up’ but the notifications drag me down to the bottom again :/

 

dopey: how about we wait for you to catch up?

 

doc: that would be much appreciated thank you

 

shrek: have u got to the blowjob yet?

 

dopey: jfc

 

doc: am guessing thats doyoung

 

shrek: u got it babe

 

doc: ,,,,,,,

 

happy: doyoung why dont u take this opportunity to do u fucking homework :) :) :)

 

shrek: lmao fine

 

doc: ok but do we all fall on the twunk scale or is it just taeyong

doc: and i tag myself as ‘facts r fun’

 

happy: thats an interesting point

 

shrek: jaehyun has anyone ever told you you’re a beautiful man

 

doc: yes but usually after they’ve me

 

johnny: well yeah your mum has met you

 

Nakamoto Yuta: shit boi u just got Kilt

 

doc: Ah Yes. Me. The Korean Man. A Scot.

 

Nakamoto Yuta: ,,,,,,,,,,

 

shrek: if taeil can type in a scottish accent you can be scottish too babe

 

Nakamoto Yuta: not what i meant tho???

 

shrek: ahhh but yuta

 

Nakamoto Yuta: ,,,,,yes?

 

shrek: no one cares

 

happy: well fook

 

Nakamoto Yuta has left the group

 

dopey: now see what u’ve done doyoung

 

shrek: yes i know

shrek: no need to thank me

 

doc: hey if yuta left can i replace him

 

johnny: no

 

shrek: yes

 

happy: doyoung why do you need to fight everyone all the time whats ur deal man

 

shrek:  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

dopey: ,,,,,,

 

johnny: im adding yuta back

 

happy: hey johnny where’s ten

 

johnny added Nakamoto Yuta to the group

 

Nakamoto Yuta: I Don’t Like You Guys

 

happy: lol same

 

johnny: sleeping

johnny: he always gets sleepy after sexy times

 

dopey: did not want to know did not need to know

 

shrek: ‘sexy times’ ok

 

doc: ok so now that we’ve clarified that ten apparently takes a post blow job nap, can i add someone?

 

johnny: sure, the more the merrier

 

shrek: um no

shrek: I was fine with it when we were replacing yuta

 

Nakamoto Yuta: ,,,, why

 

shrek: idk your face annoys me

 

Nakamoto Yuta: you can’t see my face?

 

shrek: and it still annoys me

shrek: plus

shrek: i can imagine it

shrek: and it’s uglie

 

happy: doyoung stop being mean omg

 

Nakamoto Yuta: Thank You Taeil

 

happy: its too fuckin funny

 

Nakamoto Yuta: tf did i do to deserve this

doc renamed the group ‘taeil more like betrayil’

 

shrek: eyyy

shrek: but coming back to my original point

shrek: no more kids in the group chat

 

Nakamoto Yuta: but honey im pregnant

 

shrek: well it aint mine ho

shrek: anyway ignoring yuta

shrek: i accept jaehyun because he’s funnier than half of you and how else am i supposed to coach him into his gay realisation

 

doc: im not tho?

 

shrek: look jaehyun we can talk about how wrong and gay you are later

shrek: also i’ve never met you but in reply to your previous question on if we are all on the twunk spectrum the answer is yes and you are a twink

shrek: but no kids

 

Nakamoto Yuta: but being gay isnt wrong tho!!

 

johnny: yuta?

 

Nakamoto Yuta: yea?

 

johnny: literally no one asked

 

Nakamoto Yuta: i didnt want to jaehyun to get the wrong impression okay

 

doc: no offense yuta but im fully aware being gay isnt wrong

doc: if i was homophobic dont you think i would have left by now?

 

shrek: hey yuta, you left - does that make you homophobic

 

Nakamoto Yuta: sure, you’re gay and i hate you so why not

Nakamoto Yuta: i’ll be the gay homophobe your parents warned you about

 

happy set Nakamoto Yuta’s nickname to ‘hemephebe’

 

dopey: great spelling

 

johnny: how come taeyong only appears when taeil does something

 

dopey: its cause im trying to do my fucking homework and im tired of all this bullshit

 

shrek: nah

shrek: its cause he wants the d

 

dopey: when will you give in this isnt funny anymore

 

shrek: when i make the best man speech at your wedding

 

dopey: even if we did get married what makes you think you’d be invited

 

shrek: taeil loves me

 

happy: i mean ok.

 

shrek: ,,,,,,,

 

johnny: fuck doyoung bud are you alive

 

doc: ok so coming back to what i said a full 20 minutes ago

 

shrek: sadly so, johnny, sadly so

 

doc: im going to add someone

 

Nakamoto Yuta: ya wanna chill with the emo bullshit

 

shrek: me @ Lee Taeyong circa year 8

shrek: also hoe dont do it

 

doc added Dong Sicheng to the group

 

dopey: bitch it was a phase

 

johnny: a ‘phase’ that means you still have a gerard way poster above you bed

 

dopey: i just forget to take it down ok

 

happy: well please remember because i find it very disconcerting when we get together

 

Johnny: ‘get together’ is that old man for fuck

 

Dong Sicheng: hola

 

hemephebe: aw sweet a spaniard

 

shrek: oh my god

 

dopey: ,, i didnt know you really didnt like it taeil i’ll take it down its ok

 

doc: i cant tell if that’s aimed at me for bringing in sicheng of yuta for being an idiot

 

shrek: don’t worry it was for both of you, I can multitask

 

happy: ah no taeyong you dont have to i dont mind it that much

 

Dong Sicheng: um im not a dog

Dong Sicheng: oh and im not spanish either oops

 

shrek: i dont,, i dont even know how to respond

 

dopey: then dont

 

shrek: kindly go fuck urself ho

 

doc: guys this is my main man sicheng please be nice

 

johnny: yo sicheng how you doing

 

shrek: sicheng are you jaehyun’s boyfriend

 

doc: ,,,,,

 

shrek: what u said he was ur main man

 

Dong Sicheng: im doing okay thanks johnny

 

johnny: cool cool

johnny: you do dance, right? I think jaehyun told me that

 

Dong Sicheng: yeah i’ve done it ever since i was a kid - i tried gymnastic for a while too

 

Nakamoto Yuta: how is this the most normal interaction we’ve ever had in this group chat

 

dopey: cause the rest of us are all annoying assholes with no respect?

 

shrek: nah thats just you

shrek: also

 

shrek removed dong Sicheng from the group

 

happy: let me guess - no kids

 

shrek: no. kids.

 

johnny: cmon doyoung

 

shrek: this aint a creche ho

 

doc: sicheng is legit one year younger than you??

 

shrek: imagine that

 

dopey: dont have to

 

shrek: a whole year

shrek: he’s practically an infant

 

dopey: jaehyun is sicheng 16 yet

 

shrek: terrifying

 

doc: yeah

 

dopey: dongyoung, sicheng is literally legal

 

shrek: @Lee Taeyong stop interrupting my fucking monologue ho hamlet didnt have to deal with this bullshit

 

johnny: hamlet is fictional?

 

shrek: and so is my chance of success and happiness is this fucked up world

shrek: lol

 

happy: ,,,

happy: doyoung you ok there buddy?

 

shrek: probably not

 

doc: lmao relatable tho

 

johnny: how about we ignore doyoung being a twat and add sicheng back in thanks

 

doc: im on it

 

shrek: why do you all hate me

 

doc added Dong Sicheng to the group

 

dopey: are you looking for a list here?

 

shrek removed dopey from the group

 

Dong Sicheng: hola #2

 

happy: as one is born another must die

happy: it is the circle of life

 

johnny: hello sicheng sorry doyoung is a bitch

 

Nakamoto Yuta: we’ve been trying to cure him for years but nothing has worked so far

 

shrek: im literally the nicest person???

 

Dong Sicheng: prove it

 

happy: lmao kill him sicheng

 

johnny: yuta where have u been? u’ve been like 10 years

 

Nakamoto Yuta: i was literally 10 minutes and literally taking out the rubbish

 

Nakamoto Yuta added Lee Taeyong to the group

 

Lee Taeyong: but rubbish day is tuesday

 

doc: not when you’re near doyoung

doc: then every day is rubbish day

 

shrek: ,,,bitch

 

Nakamoto Yuta: so sicheng

Nakamoto Yuta: if you’re not from spain where are you from?

 

johnny: yuta dont

 

Nakamoto Yuta: dont what?

 

happy: its like yuta’s a dog

 

johnny: dont do anything you’re doing right now

 

shrek: can that please include breathing

 

happy: ‘yuta, dont’

 

johnny: i see u nakamoto

 

happy: ‘yuta, stay’

happy: ‘yuta, sit’

 

johnny: putting those moves on

johnny: u literally have not met the guy

johnny: and i can tell i wont end well

 

Nakamoto Yuta: what the fook johnny i have done nothing

 

happy: ‘yuta, fetch’

 

doc: taeil i think johnny is trying to be serious

 

happy: oh shit sorry

 

johnny: you’ll either break his heart cause ur a ho no offense

 

Nakamoto Yuta: much taken

 

shrek: ok but wheres sicheng in all of this i dont want to have to speak to the Child

 

doc: i thought i was the child

 

shrek: you can be child number 1

 

doc: i wanna be the very best like no one ever was

 

johnny: or he’ll break yours cause he’s straight or something - again no offense

 

Dong Sicheng: much taken i am a premium gay

 

happy: lmao this truly is the house of gay

 

doc: um

 

happy: yas apart from your ‘straight’ ass ok

 

Nakamoto Yuta: see johnald u are wrong

Nakamoto Yuta: and who said i was putting the moves on

Nakamoto Yuta: u made like 12 assumptions in 10 minutes

 

shrek: i cant do maths bu thats more than one assumption per minute

 

Nakamoto Yuta: are u feeling ok there johnny do you need to talk about it

 

shrek: trouble in paradise??

 

johnny: lmao no im just watching waterloo road

johnny: jk yuta do what the fuck u like go seduce random peeps im rooting for u

 

Dong Sicheng: and im chinese

 

shrek: w h a t

 

sneezy: come on doyoung u must have heard of china its a p big country

 

doc: highest population and everything

 

shrek: fuck off you manky toe suckers

 

happy renamed the group ‘manky toe suckers’

 

johnny: ten hey

 

happy: oh yeah hi

 

sneezy: hi guys

 

shrek: why are u saying hi to ten if hes with u johnny

 

johnny: he went home u scrub

 

sneezy: yeah a bitch has school work to do

sneezy: cant afford to be distracted ;)))

 

doc: can we ban winky faces

 

Nakamoto Yuta: sure ;))))))

 

sneezy: sounds like a great idea ;)))))))))

 

doc: ok why am i being bullied whats wrong with bullying doyoung

 

shrek: bitch come fight me

 

doc: depends - are you in my kitchen?

doc: cause thats where im going

 

shrek: depends if you have any oreos cause thats what im craving

 

doc: you know what i think we might

 

Nakamoto Yuta: um when did this become a doyoung and jaehyun love fest no thanks

 

shrek: you cant stop our love u lonely fuck

 

johnny: aw yuta are you jealous

 

sneezy: i think he might be

 

happy set Nakamoto Yuta’s nickname to ‘jealous’

 

jealous: im not jealous

 

Dong Sicheng: not to overstep but

Dong Sicheng: sounds like something a jealous person would say

 

shrek set Dong Sicheng to ‘consider yourself one of us’

 

johnny: fucking christ what is the limit on the nicknames holy shit

 

doc: what does this make u the fucking artful dodger

 

shrek: idk i could pull off the hat

 

Ten: no you couldn’t

 

shrek set Ten’s nickname to ‘consider yourself not one of us’

 

jealous: lmao savage

 

consider yourself one of us: does that make me oliver?

 

doc: see doyoung you could have just set his nickname to oliver and kicked ten why are you so extra

 

consider yourself not one of us: jaehyun you snakey bitch

 

shrek: um you dont have to criticize my method ok this is the way i work bitch this is how i create Art

 

dopey: art??? Ok ho

 

johnny: taeyong!

 

jealous: please dont use exclamation marks so sincerely it makes my dick shrivel up

 

happy: no love lost there then

happy: hey tae

 

jealous: ???

jealous: no one gonna defend me

 

consider yourself not one of us: lol bitch why would we

 

dopey: hey guys i went to help make dinner sorry

 

jealous: cause ur my friends??

jealous: right??

jealous: ????

 

consider yourself one of us: you know what i miss? Scooby doo

 

happy: you know what same

 

shrek: lmao sicheng ur a gift god bless

shrek: and taeyong what a domestic goddess

 

dopey: stfu

 

consider yourself one of us: aha thank you

consider yourself one of us: but i do really miss scooby doo

 

doc: me too

 

jealous: you’re all hoes

jealous: except for doyoung who wont lose his virginity till he’s 45

 

shrek: ???

shrek: am literally not a virgin

 

jealous: sure jan

 

johnny: virginity is a social construct

 

consider yourself not one of us: and that meme is dead

 

happy: why are you guys such a power couple omg

 

consider yourself not one of us: well someone had to step into the 2tae void

 

dopey: ,,,,,,,,,,

 

consider yourself one of us: wtf the fuck is 2tae

 

shrek: couple goals

 

consider yourself not one of us: our parents

 

jealous: imagine will and kate but gayer

 

doc: the homoromantic tension between lee taeyong and moon taeil

 

happy: lads we’re not even together

 

shrek: and yet you still have a better romantic relationship than most married couples

 

doc: i know thats why i said ‘tension’ apparently its still unresolved

 

dopey: hey now jaehyun i thought you said it was ok for us not to be together

 

doc: well that was until ten spammed me with pictures of you two being adorable i am now 2tae’s number one fan

 

shrek: um bitch fight me thats my seat

 

doc: well sit on my lap then

 

happy: um

 

johnny: Oh Boy Was That Heterosexual

 

shrek set doc’s nickname to ‘jae is a gay’

 

jae is a gay: ,,,,,,,,

 

jealous: jae man i promise you you dont want doyoung’s butt on your lap ok that bitch is all bone

 

shrek: ho gtfo

 

jealous: please that is The Dream

 

consider yourself not one of us: dont lie we’re literally your only friends

 

johnny: thats true you’d get so emo without us

johnny: not taeyong level emo but i can see the black eyeliner making a comeback

 

jealous: i was 14 ok i thought i was cool

 

happy: you still do. Sadly, it is just as much of an illusion now as it was then

 

shrek: fucking murder omg

 

consider yourself one of us: but doesnt everyone think they’re more cool than they are?

 

jae is a gay: wow ok deep

 

johnny: yeah its all a social construct

 

jae is a gay: d o u b l e  d e e p

 

shrek: the way i like my pizza and the way i like to be fucked wow what a coincidence

 

dopey: ok what

 

jae is a gay set his nickname to ‘jae is alarmed’

 

happy: got a bit of a one track mind at the moment doyoung?

 

consider yourself one of us: i relate tbh

 

consider yourself not one of us: sICHENG

consider yourself not one of us: you are my sweet summer child

 

consider yourself one of us: my birthday is october 28th

 

jealous: lol u got Denied

 

consider yourself not one of us: ://

 

johnny: its ok babe we can adopt another actual summer child

 

consider yourself not one of us: :))

 

shrek: u g h

 

jae is alarmed: agreed

 

dopey: you know one day ten and johnny will get married and i dont think we’ll be able to tell a difference between their vows and their everyday conversations

 

consider yourself one of us: no offense shrek, but thats what i call relationship goals

 

happy: ‘shrek’ lmao

 

jae is alarmed: si chen g i cant fucking breath

 

johnny set consider yourself one of us’s nickname to ‘si cheng g’

 

si chen g: si

 

jealous: told you he was spanish

 

consider yourself not one of us: ,,,,

 

johnny: was that supposed to be funny cause it wasnt

 

jae is alarmed: yea

 

jealous: fine u fucking haters

 

shrek: hey guys come on yuta is a valuable part of our friendship group

 

jealous: i would say thanks but its you doyoung and i dont trust you

 

shrek: what would we do without him there to make us look more funny and attractive?

 

jealous: fucking knew it

 

dopey: when will doyoung stop being savage towards me or yuta? Scientists don’t know

 

happy: thats because scientists are cunts.

 

consider yourself not one of us: Someone’s Bitter

 

happy: me and miss stevenson have beef ok i’ll fight the toad right fucking now

 

johnny: didnt you cry when she said she wouldn’t be taking you for chem in year 10 cause she was leaving?

 

happy: um excuse you im a stone cold bitch no one has ever see me with a single tear i dont even know what they are ho sit down

 

jealous: tae you nearly fucking cried when i said i love u after you bought me chicken nuggests

 

shrek: nuggests

 

jealous: dont

 

jae is alarmed: nuggests

 

johnny: nuggests

 

si chen g: nuggests

 

happy renamed the group ‘nuggests’

 

consider yourself not one of us: nuggests

 

dopey: nuggests

 

shrek: ok taeyong joined in the joke is dead now lads we can all go home nice knowin ya

 

dopey: fuck you man

 

si chen g: ok but doyoung what have yuta and taeyoung done to you to make you so salty yikes

 

shrek: everything.

 

johnny: doyoung is just mean to show his love - he’s only meaner to yuta and taeyong cause they’ve been friends with him longer

 

dopey: we’ve been stuck with this twat since primary school

 

shrek: so therefore i hate them more ok stop spreading lies about me john.

 

jae is alarmed: shit lads i gotta go for dinner

 

jealous: lol same

 

si chen g: ditto

 

happy: i have a mock to do also

 

johnny: seeing as like half of us have shit to do and everyone’s a little bitch about scrolling up how about we pause the bants?

 

consider yourself not one of us: johnny why are you such a cringe ohh my god

 

shrek: its cause he’s american

 

jealous: lmaoo true

 

dopey: ok but its a good idea? Whats wrong with being nice

 

happy: idk ask your mum

 

jealous: he went there omg

 

dopey: you love my mum???

 

happy: thats true lol tell her i say hi

 

dopey: ,,,, will do

 

johnny: taeyong’s mum is fucking nice tho

 

shrek: shame her son didnt inherit it ://

 

happy: well if you’ve finished making the same joke for the billionth time in your life i’ll go and do my mock now bye bye lads see you in an hour xx

 

consider yourself not one of us: the sad life of a chemistry student

 

dopey: bye tae im sure you can do it x

 

shrek: Lee Taeyong.

 

dopey: ????

 

shrek: hold on fuck that wasnt as dramatic as id hoped

 

~

 

18:51

 

little rabbit foo foo: Lee Taeyong

little rabbit foo foo: taetae

little rabbit foo foo: taehoney

little rabbit foo foo: taeyongie

little rabbit foo foo: yongyong

 

wiggly worm: w hat

 

little rabbit foo foo: now i know you told me a few months ago

little rabbit foo foo: that you were over him

little rabbit foo foo: but ive been wondering

little rabbit foo foo: if you’re a little less over him than you would like us to believe

 

wiggly worm: ,,,,,,,

 

little rabbit foo foo: i fucking knew it

 

wiggly worm: no need to be so happy about it im fucking dying ok

 

little rabbit foo foo: you guys still fuckin

 

wiggly worm: occasionally

 

little rabbit foo foo: does he know you still have them romantic emotions n stuff

 

wiggly worm: istg 60% of the reason your single is that you cant talk about emotions like a normal human being

wiggly worm: but no he doesnt know

wiggly worm: at least i hope not

 

little rabbit foo foo: look at you

little rabbit foo foo: being all Tortured and Gay

 

wiggly worm: stfu

 

little rabbit foo foo: chill chill

little rabbit foo foo: do you think he feels the same??

 

wiggly worm: same as me or same as he always has?

 

little rabbit foo foo: the first

 

wiggly worm: no. obviously

 

little rabbit foo foo: well fuck

 

wiggly worm: wow thank you for your insight into my predicament i bet i couldnt have come up with that summary on my own you fucking dick

 

little rabbit foo foo: hey now hey now

 

wiggly worm: ,,,,,,,,,,,

wiggly worm: istg if you say what i think ur going to i’m cancelling your whole life

 

little rabbit foo foo: dont dream its over

 

wiggly worm: the fuck did i say

 

little rabbit foo foo: im sorry im sorry i couldnt resist

little rabbit: and its applicable

 

wiggly worm: explain

 

little rabbit foo foo: we dont know for sure he doesnt like you back all romantagorically

 

wiggly worm: hmm yeah im pretty sure we do

 

little rabbit foo foo: but have you asked him?

 

wiggly worm: not since last time

 

little rabbit foo foo: well then

little rabbit foo foo: we may still be in with a fighting chance

little rabbit foo foo: i can do some Super Stealthy Sleuthing

 

wiggly woo: you have never been stealthy in ur whole fucking gay as life

 

little rabbit foo foo: ,,,touche

little rabbit foo foo: fine i can enlist someone else to do some Super Stealthy Sleuthing for me

 

wiggly woo: is that a good idea though

 

little rabbit foo foo: well yeah cause then we’d know how taeil feels

 

wiggly woo: what makes you think i want confirmation that he doesnt think about me like that??

 

little rabbit foo foo: hey man im just trying to help

 

wiggly woo: then maybe dont

 

little rabbit foo foo: shit tae im sorry

 

wiggly woo: i know you are but that doesnt mean im not mad

wiggly woo: just give me a break here please

 

little rabbit foo foo: sure man whatever you need take your time

 

wiggly woo: thanks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'taeil more like betrayil' is the best joke ive ever made and im ok with that being my legacy
> 
> hope u enjoyd this much longer and a lil bit more plot based update(?)
> 
> thank u to amy for reading this bs even though she doesnt even stan nct yet lol
> 
> hmu with an questions comments or criticisms i lov 2 hear the Opinions


	3. spy kids

21:03

 

jae is alarmed added Mark Lee to the group

 

shrek: fucking chirst not this again

shrek: not more children

shrek: not tonight

 

happy: lol ‘’’chirst’’’

 

si chen g: hey mark

 

shrek: you’re gonna put me off my food

 

consider yourself not one of us: doyoung you literally love kids and the last 6 times you got drunk with me and one time when i was on holiday in holland you complained that you dont have a younger sibling and would love to have a younger sibling

consider yourself not one of us: you cried about it

 

shrek: ,,,,

shrek: i cant read suddenly i dont know

 

jae is alarmed: well i would have asked but i knew you we’re gonna be a little bitch so i decided to be a bigger bitch.

jae is alarmed: bitch

 

consider yourself not one of us: jae ur always being a bitch tho

 

Mark Lee: wow ok hi

Mark Lee: ayoo sicheng

 

johnny: eyyyy markie

 

shrek: you’re the bitch

shrek: bitch

 

Mark Lee: hey johnny how are you bro?

 

johnny: am good my bro, how u doing dude?

 

happy: why did the vibe in here become so straight all of a sudden i feel oppressed

 

shrek: me too tae this is homophobia

 

Mark Lee: alright thanks dude maths is kicking my butt tho aha

 

consider yourself not one of us: ‘bro’

 

taeil: ‘dude’

 

johnny: excuse u lads im very much a raging bisexual and proud, thanks

johnny: like ten, you’re my boyfriend??

 

consider yourself not one of us: ,,,,,

 

shrek: but ur acting so str*ight

 

Mark Lee: um

 

jae is alarmed: you guys are kind of Straight Boying it up and i say this as a straight myself

 

consider yourself not one of us: ‘a straight’

 

Mark Lee: i mean i dont know why im telling a bunch of strangers this but yeah im bi also

 

johnny: you’re WHAT

 

si chen g: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

consider yourself not one of us: ooh nice markie i knew you were too cute to be straight

 

johnny: babe im right here

 

consider yourself not one of us: and?

 

jae is alarmed: ayy mark boy im proud of u for telling us

 

shrek: m8 idk who you are but welcome to the fuckkin community

 

si chen g: mark im super glad you told us dude i love you

 

Mark Lee: aha thanks guys wow i wasn’t expecting this

 

jae is alarmed: well you should’ve im getting really good at having people come out to me

 

consider yourself not one of us: ???

consider yourself not one of us: what does that even mean

 

jae is alarmed: it means im getting really good at having people come out to me cant you read

 

jealous: hello hello i am back to grace u with my presence once more

 

shrek removed jealous from the group

 

happy: what did he do??

happy: also nice to meet(?) you mark im glad ur bi

 

dopey: who’s bi?

 

shrek: he hears the call of his people

 

johnny: ok but mark have u told donghyuck this???

 

happy added Nakamoto Yuta to the group

 

Mark Lee: um

Mark Lee: no?

Mark Lee: do you think he’ll be mad i came out to a bunch of strangers before him??

 

Nakamoto Yuta: who is this donghyuck u speak of

 

Mark Lee: satan.

 

johnny: he’s marks best bud

 

jae is alarmed: mark i dont think he’ll be mad

jae is alarmed: but you definitely need to let him know i think

 

Mark Lee: ,,,i’ll work on it

 

shrek: ok johnny i’ll bite

 

dopey: please don’t

 

shrek: what not your kink

 

dopey: you’re not my kink.

 

jae is alarmed: doyoung weren’t you trying to say something?

 

shrek: yes yes i was thank u jaehyung u beautiful free range chicken

 

Mark Lee: free range chicken?

 

jae is alarmed: just go with it

 

si chen g: i never saw that movie

 

happy: the adam sandler one?

 

si chen g: yea

 

happy: me neither

 

shrek: stfu cunts

 

Nakamoto Yuta: get on with it then dramatic pauses dont work over text ho

 

shrek: fully die

shrek: what im trying to say is

shrek: johnny how tf do you know everyone ever?? Its fucking freaky man

 

johnny: im sorry that youre so jealous of me but i can’t help it that im popular

 

si chen g: ,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

Nakamoto Yuta: ho shut the hell up

 

johnny: what that was a slick reference

 

consider yourself not one of us: that joke was made yesterday up your damn game

 

shrek: actually that joke was made in 2004 ;/

 

Mark Lee: i don’t think its that johnny’s popular

 

happy: lol bitch u got draggt

 

Mark Lee: its just he chills with our squad sometimes so we all know him pretty well

 

consider yourself not one of us: yeah thats true you spend half the time socialising with fucking everyone you meet

consider yourself one of us: i need to get you on a leash

 

dopey: if this goes where i think its gonna go im deleting this chat

 

johnny: but baby id rather have you on a leash

 

happy removed dopey from the group

 

happy: its a dog eat dog world out here

 

Nakamoto Yuta: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,ok dark taeil

 

shrek: someone add him back cause i want to bully him but i dont want to be the one to add him back you feel me

 

johnny: i feel you

 

johnny added Lee Taeyong to the group

 

shrek: um pls not literally

 

si chen g set shrek’s nickname to ‘cyberbully’

 

happy: johnny and jaehyun are you trying to put ur two squads together

 

johnny: ,,,,,,,,,

 

jae is alarmed: we’ve been Got johnny

 

johnny: they can never take us alive

 

jae is alarmed: agreeed - you do me i do you

 

cyberbully: is this a suicide pact or sex talk cause i want in regardless

 

Lee Taeyong: can u not

Lee Taeyong: also idm the marriage of the squads u kids seem more chill than this bunch of losers

 

consider yourself one of us set Lee Taeyong’s nickname to ‘loser king’

 

happy: agreed

 

Nakamoto Yuta: ok but why is it always me and tae that get kicked?

 

consider yourself not one of us: maybe its cause no one likes u

 

Nakamoto Yuta removed consider yourself not one of us from the group

 

Mark Lee: damn it really is a dog eat dog world in here

 

Nakamoto Yuta: more like gay eat gay

 

happy: you wish

 

johnny added Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul to the group

 

si chen g: ,,,are you suggesting we’re cannibals only for other gay people??

 

jae is alarmed: kinky

 

loser king: why do you guys have to make it weird

 

happy: says the kinkiest bitch i know

 

cyberbully: THERE ARE POTENTIAL CHILDREN IN HERE

cyberbully: STOP IT YA NASTIES

 

jae is alarmed set cyberbully’s nickname to ‘hypocrite’

 

si chen g: whats history of medicine got to do with this

si chen g: i’ve passed that course lads i dont wanna know anymore

 

Nakamoto Yuta: alex turner is crying

 

shrek: i thibk you’ll find im crying for sicheng ‘’’’passing’’’’ history

 

Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul: hey yuta?

 

Nakamoto Yuta: yea

 

Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul: how about you dont

 

Nakamoto Yuta: dont what?

 

johnny: dont everything

 

Nakamoto Yuta: wtf bitches u want me to die?

 

Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul: uhh yea

 

johnny: pls

 

Mark Lee: hey now guys its not even half 9 lets keep the death threats to a minimum

Mark Lee: and sicheng dude you might want to read it again

 

si chen g: ohhh

si chen g: oops

 

Nakamoto Yuta: how are u so fucking cute sicheng wtf

 

hypocrite: um no dirty talk in the group chat

 

Nakamoto Yuta: johnny literally said he wanted to put a leash on ten but i cant call sicheng cute?

 

hypocrite: yes.

 

si chen g: its good yuta i think its ok to ignore doyoungs rules

 

hypocrite: uM

hypocrite: dissent amongst the ranks? No thanks

hypocrite: but that reminds me

 

21:22

 

Kim Dongyoung added Jung Jaehyun, Dong Sicheng and Mark Lee to the group

 

Jung Jaehyun: another one?? Seriously??

 

Dong Sicheng: i thought u didnt like kids

 

Kim Dongyoung: hello naughty children

Kim Dongyoung: its spy time

 

Mark Lee: spy time?

 

Jung Jaehyun renamed the group ‘spy kids’

 

Mark Lee: oh man i loved those films

 

Dong Sicheng: idk i found the hands creepy

 

Kim Dongyoung: Do You Mean The Thumb Thumbs You Uneducated Swine

 

Dong Sicheng: maybe lol

 

Jung Jaehyun: tf are you knowing so much abt spy kids for

 

Kim Dongyoung: i cant help it if antonio banderas is my inspiration in life and therefore i spend hours reading any wikipedia article with his name in it instead of doing my homework for my a levels

 

Mark Lee: um

Mark Lee: yes you can

 

Kim Dongyoung: alright alright

Kim Dongyoung: enough of this u haters

 

Jung Jaehyun: ICE COLD

 

Dong Sicheng: whats cooler than being cool

 

Mark Lee: ,,none of that was in the right order,, bad form d minus

 

Jung Jaehyung: thats nearly a pass so i’ll take that,,, maybe with some extra credit tho >:^)

 

Kim Dongyoung: did you just

Kim Dongyoung: imply you fuck your teachers?

 

Dong Sicheng: i think he did

 

Jung Jaehyun: whatatssa the fuck??? No????????????

Jung Jaehyun: just that i do extra work for some of my classes??

 

Kim Dongyoung: ,,,sounds fake

 

Jung Jaehyun: how am i meant to make it sound genuine??

 

Kim Dongyoung: hmmm houaboutu Admit the Truth

 

Jung Jaehyung: but it is the truth - that aint my kink boyo am not about that nasty shit

 

Mark Lee: can confirm: teachers are not one of jaehyuns kinks

 

Dong Sicheng: but what ARE??

Dong Sicheng: jk i know

 

Kim Dongyoung: um ur all too young no one here should have any kinks

 

Jung Jaehyun: you’re the one who tried to say i have a teacher kink

 

Kim Dongyoung: ,,,,i am Got

 

Mark Lee: lets all agree to take this convo and bury it in the middle of the sahara desert thanks

Mark Lee: in the mean time

Mark Lee: why are we spying

 

Dong Sicheng: yeah why

 

Kim Dongyoung: because my dear kiddiewinks

 

Jung Jaehyun: im banning that word

 

Kim Dongyoung: i need u to spy on moon taeil 2 figure out if hes in love with taeyong because apparently im not allowed to have any free periods with taeil and taeyong and also our lessons dont overlap and also theyre both boring and dont come out with me and yuta to sit in the park at 1 am like cool kids

 

Mark Lee: You What

 

Kim Dongyoung: you heard me

 

Dong Sicheng: *read

 

Kim Dongyoung: well i cant say you read me can i

 

Dong Sicheng: im not telling u to say it im telling you to type it

 

Kim Dongyoung: ,,,,,,,,,,

 

Jung Jaehyun: ok i understand what you want us to do

Jung Jaehyun: but how the fuck are we supposed to do it

 

Mark Lee: thats a good point i dont want a restraining order my mum would kill me

Mark Lee: also

 

Mark Lee added Lee Donghyuck to the group

 

Dong Sicheng: is that your major deterrent against criminal acts?

 

Mark Lee: Yes.

 

Jung Jaehyun: eyyy hyuck

 

Kim Dongyoung: is this another child to join The Cause

 

Jung Jaehyun: this is starting to sound like a cult

 

Lee Donghyuck: if this is another creepypasta group chat yall can fucking choke

 

Kim Dongyoung: um

Kim Dongyoung: no?

 

Dong Sicheng: yea dw hyuck its only this guy weve never actually met wants us to spy on his best friends to figure out if they’re gay or smth

 

Kim Dongyoung:,,,well when you put it like that,,,

Kim Dongyoung: and i already know their sexualities thank u very much im a Great friend

 

Lee Donghyuck: as convincing as that is, this is sound more creepy than illegal so im out

 

Kim Dongyoung: ill pay you in food

 

Lee Donghyuck: im in

 

Mark Lee: that still doesnt answer how were gonna watch them tho,,,

 

Jung Jaehyun: i guess we could spy from across the common room in our frees

 

Dong Sicheng: or straight up walk up to them and stare

Dong Sicheng: it would be p cool to meet them 4realz

 

Lee Donghyuck renamed the group ‘4realz’

 

Mark Lee: but there are five of us

 

Lee Donghyuck removed Mark Lee from the group

 

Kim Dongyoung: you could have just changed it to 5realz

 

Lee Donghyuck: interesting concept

Lee Donghyuck: but no

Lee Donghyuck: survivalé of the fittest

Jung Jaehyun: whats the accent doing there

 

Kim Dongyoung: not to mention the e

 

Lee Donghyuck: art

 

Dong Sicheng added Mark Lee to the group

 

Kim Dongyoung: o k a y  t h e n

 

Jung Jaehyun: as much as im loving this senseless shitfest i am trying to concentrate on 2 chats and an english essay here so yall can stfu thanks

 

Lee Donghyuck: 2 chats??

 

21:22

 

Nakamoto Yuta: reminds you of what?

 

jae is alarmed: tbf sicheng is p cute

 

happy: i got new rules i count em

 

Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul: stfu bitch u cant count for shit

 

si chen g: aw thanks jae u da bomb

 

happy: tru tru

happy: why we gotta be so gay n bad at maths tho

 

johnny: um fake news

 

loser king: yes yes we know ur bi

 

johnny: i mean

johnny: yur not wrong lol

johnny: but i was gonna say doyoung isnt bad at maths

 

hypocrite: oi oi

hypocrite: what is this Slander

 

Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul: ‘’’’yur’’’’

 

hypocrite: this Defamation of Character

 

johnny set Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul’s nickname to ‘lil bitch’

 

lil bitch: is that any way 2 treat the man who sucked ur dick not 5 hours ago?

 

johnny: yeah, if he’s being a little shit

 

Nakamoto Yuta: wait I thought johnny was sucking ten’s dick??

 

lil bitch: well what am i gonna do just be like ‘cheers mate, have fun with ur boner on ur own’ and skip out?

lil bitch: thats peak even for me

 

johnny: yuta i think ur asking questions that r gonna lead to answers youd prefer not to know lest our sex life scar ur tiny virgin brain

 

Nakamoto Yuta: ,,,,,,

 

loser king set Nakamoto Yuta’s nickname to ‘tiny virgin brain’

 

tiny virgin brain: UM

happy: lmao accurate

 

tiny virgin brain: ‘acccurat’’ im the Least virgin here

 

lil bitch: how can you be the least virgin is there a scale here

 

loser king: what is it with you guys and scales

 

johnny: variety is the spice of life

 

lil bitch: and we like it spicey

 

loser king: there are children in the group chat so you cna choke thanks

 

lil bitch: with pleasure *wink wonk*

 

tiny virgin brain: what did i fuckikn say abt kink negotations in the gc

 

happy: hey girl u got (fuc)kik(n)

 

jae is alarmed: hey taeil

 

happy: oh hey jae where u bean

 

jae is alarmed: nice joke u just made

 

happy: aw thanks man

 

jae is alarmed: its a really inventive way of peer pressuring me to fucking kill myself

 

happy: oh

 

loser king: um who pissed on your kebabs jung?

 

happy: lmao

 

johnny: i dont think thats a phrase,,,?

 

tiny virgin brain: im p sure lmao is a phrase what u saying

 

lil bitch: not that the kebab pissing thing, keep up yuta u reprobate

lil bitch: but back to what taeil said - where u been jeffrey?

 

jae is alarmed: doing my homework you silly cunth

 

johnny: convieniently at the same time mark, sicheng and doyoung are? I dont buy it

 

tiny virgin brain: idk about the others but doyoung? definitely not

 

jae is alarmed: I dont know what you mean

 

Mark Lee: dw guys doyoung was just hazing us aha

 

loser king: hAZING

loser king: mark i question your use of dw and aha here

 

hypocrite: taeyong im begging u for once in ur life be cool and recognise the modern sense of humour

 

johnny: thats true, these kids are generation z now us millennials can’t relate

 

tiny virgin brain: wait wheres the millennial deadline

 

jae is alarmed: deadline?

jae is alarmed: ‘sorry ma’am you have to get your baby submitted by monday for it to be a millennial’

 

lil bitch: the millennial deadline is always cause we all want to die

 

happy: calm down ten taeyong’s already got the role of local edgelord

 

loser king: TAE

loser king: WHY YOU GOTTA DO THIS MAN

 

hypocrite: taeil more like

 

loser king: hoe dont do it

 

hypocrite: taeil

hypocrite: shite

 

si chen g: lol

 

tiny virgin brain: ,,,how,,, how did you fuck that up

 

hypocrite: idk man i focussed too much on taeil

 

johnny: taeyong can relate

 

lil bitch: lmao

 

happy: *ariana grande voice* focus on me

 

Mark Lee: but doyoung said taeyong and taeil weren’t together??

 

si chen g: mark i dont think we were supposed to talk about that

 

loser king: talk about what now

 

Mark Lee: oh

Mark Lee: ohhhhhhh

 

hypocrite: nothing :) :) :))) :)

 

Mark Lee: i’d like to say from the bottom of my heart

Mark Lee: my bad

 

tiny virgin brain: mark where did you even come from

 

Mark Lee: canada

 

happy: i was gonna say thats not what he meant but it kinda makes sense

 

johnny: this is fun n all

johnny: but back the fuck up and tell me whats goin on

 

tiny virgin brain: yea i second that

 

lil bitch: who gives a fuck if u come second yuta dont be some str8 nice guy thanks

 

jae is alarmed: um

 

happy: ten my guy, take another read

 

lil bitch: FFFFFFFFFFFUCK

 

tiny virgin brain: why we should all mcfreakin chill and not jump to conclusions: a guide

 

Mark Lee: why are we all so bad at reading comprehension oh my godd

 

si chen g: tonight has been a wilde ride

si chen g: theres an e because of oscar wilde and i am gay

 

hypocrite: binch mee too the fuq

 

loser king: i hope you only mean the gay part cause bitch you are uneducated as fuck

 

johnny: ohhh shit

 

lil bitch: he WENT there

 

jae is alarmed: went where?

 

happy: to liar town

 

loser king: tAEIL

loser king: you SNEKA

 

hypocrite: lmao this is the best moment of my life thx taeil

 

happy: welc ;’)

 

tiny virgin brain set Moon Taeil’s nickname to ‘SNEAK’

 

tiny virgin brain: fucc

 

tiny virgin brain set Moon Taeil’s nickname to ‘SNAKEE’

 

tiny virgin brain: aaaaaaaaaaa

Mark Lee: let me help u out here bud

 

Mark Lee set Moon Taeil’s nickname to ‘sneka’

 

lil bitch: damn it guys its not like that

lil bitch: its like THIS

 

lil bitch set Moon Taeil’s nickname to ‘SNEKa’

 

hypocrite: um guys

 

lil bitch: ughghgu

 

hypocrite: its ok to stop this

 

si chen g set Moon Taeil’s nickname to‘il-est bitch’

 

il-est bitch: i lov it omg

il-est bitch: like thats a sick wale ref but also a great french joke and a pUN

 

si chen g: i mean i didnt realise it was a french joke but i see it now wowzles

 

tiny virgin brain: archimedes had eurake, sicheng has wowzels

 

loser king: first of all

 

hypocrite: ‘eurake’

 

loser king: hey you stole my line

 

hypocrite: the only theft there is, is property

 

lil bitch: alright Karl, slow that socialist revolution down by a few hundred years

 

tiny virgin brain: if only lenin had

 

il-est bitch:,,,,,,

 

loser king: fucking christ yuta

 

Mark Lee: not that im not enjoying the russian history bants, but wowzles reminds me of heffalumps and woozels from winnie the pooh

 

si chen g: thats what i was going for Lol

 

hypocrite: see this is what you get when you add children to the group chat - fucking kids tv show discussions

 

johnny: ok but liar town sounds like something out of a kids tv show @Lee Taeyong

 

jae is alarmed: thats because taeyong is immature

 

Mark Lee: oHHHHHHH

 

lil bitch: sHOTS FIRED

 

johnny: AYOOOOOOOOO

 

tiny virgin brain: i read that in the same voice as the ‘thats what good pussy sounds like vine’

 

loser king: good WHAT

 

il-est bitch: good pussy c’mon taeyong you can read

 

loser king: censor it at least there are Children present

 

jae is alarmed censorship is is to art as lynching is to justice

 

si chen g changed the group name to ‘liar town’

 

jae is alarmed: henry louis gates

 

hypocrite set Jung Jaehyun’s nickname to ‘jae is a nerd’

 

si chen g: no one gonna comment on my name change then?

 

jae is a nerd: intelligence is sexy ok

 

hypocrite: sure whatever you say

 

tiny virgin brain: its beautiful sicheng, i love it

 

hypocrite: *you

 

il-est bitch: ,, are you trying to confess to yuta, doyoung?

 

johnny: damn, just after he was flirting with jaehyun as well

 

lil bitch: maybe what the straights say about hate being a form of sexual tension is true

 

hypocrite: hahahano

hypocrite: to both

 

si chen g: hano?

 

loser king: dw sicheng doyoung is just a bit illiterate and forgets the space bar and punctuation exist - its the burden we all must bear.

 

hypocrite: lee taeyong stop being a twat and let me speak

 

Mark Lee: i mean this isnt a verbal conversation but ok

 

lil bitch: also i dont think he can do that doyoung  :/

 

loser king: wow ok ten

 

loser king set Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul’s nickname to ‘bitch’

 

johnny: ahh but now its not a height joke anymore

 

bitch: the fuck u just say there babe

 

il-est bitch: o shit

 

Mark Lee: you never learn dude

 

jae is a nerd: u know he ded lol

 

johnny set Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul’s name to ‘johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores’

 

johnny: love you babe xox

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: ,,,you’ve saved it this time seo

 

tiny virgin brain: i think i just threw up in my mouth a bit

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: probably because you’re allergic to the concept of love and affection

 

tiny virgin brain: UM

 

loser king: lmao

 

tiny virgin brain: why wont u guys fcuckin defend mee

 

jae is a nerd: what is there to defend you have been Read

 

hypocrite: he rite lol

 

tiny virgin brain: this is why i have trust issues

 

jae is a nerd: thx dy

 

hypocrite: dy

hypocrite: i like that

 

il-est bitch: why cause it sounds like ‘die’

 

hypocrite: ,,,,,,

 

loser king: lol that would make u match with me

 

loser king set Kim Dongyoung’s nickname to ‘DY’

 

loser king set his nickname to ‘TY’

 

DY: suddenly i hate it

 

TY: DX

 

tiny virgin brain: lmao what the fuck

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: that is,,,the uglias thing i have ever seen

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: im gonna cry

 

si chen g: ok but does the name need to be so long??

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: Yes.

 

jae is a nerd: uglias

 

DY: uglias

 

tiny virgin brain: uglias

 

si chen g: uglias

 

il-est bitch: uglias

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: i ahte you guys i need better friends

 

TY: uglias

 

Mark Lee: uglias

 

jae is a nerd: nah you just need to learn how to fucking spell xox

 

DY: FATALITY

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: bite me you fucks

 

johnny: hey thats my job

 

TY: thats gross (: there are children ((:

 

johnny: also

johnny: uglias

 

tiny virgin brain: @Lee Taeyong i cant tell if you’re a) being ironic b) using those smileys to deliberately make us want death or c( you’re secretly middle aged and catfishing us all

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: JOHN SEO

 

Mark Lee: how can he  catfish you if you;ve known him since primary

 

tiny virgin brain: ,,,no one likes a know it all ok kid

 

jae is alarmed: i like a know it all

 

si chen g: me too

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: same, whats ur damage yuta?

 

TY: i like a know it all and i like That know it all leave him alone

 

johnny: mark ur my favourite know it all

 

Mark Lee: aw guysss <3

 

DY: welcome to the know it all squad markl

 

il-est bitch set mark Lee’s nickname to ‘markl’

 

markl: thanks lol

 

il-est bitch: also yuta why u such a cunth man

 

tiny virgin brain: it wa LITERALLY just a harry potter refernec you Twats ohh my gofidhd

 

si chen g: ohhh

 

johnny: Lmao

 

TY: lol sorry yuta

 

tiny virgin brain: its fine i know yall are fuckin mad gremlins who shouldn;t be up this late i should Expect this

 

jae is alarmed: i want to deny it but i cant

 

DY: just like your gayness whattttttttttttt

 

johnny: i love this campaign lol

 

markl: we’re doing a campaign? noice when the date

 

si chen g: #VoteJaehyunForGay2k5eva

 

jae is alarmed: SICHDENFg

 

Dong Sicheng set his nickname to ‘SICHDENFg’

 

DY: wait yuta

DY: that quotes from snape

 

il-est bitch: lol waht

 

jae is alarmed: also marlk this is not a d&d campaign cool ur nerdy jets

 

markl: aw :/ nevermind me n the lads r having a cheeky sesh on friday anyway aha

 

DY: are you some kind of snape apologist???

 

TY: mark im adopting you ur so pure

 

johnny: over my dead body he’s my Fookin son

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: Omg what r u guyes hogwarts houses??

 

TY: hufflepuff :)

 

tiny virgin brain: um No that bitch was a nasty friendzoned wizard nazi shit i aint sorry for his dumb ass #jilyftw

 

si chen g: im a ravenclaw i think

 

markl: me too #bluesbrothers

 

DY: im gald we’re on the same page im so glad ur my best friend and i love you

 

il-est bitch: omg blues brothers i love that

il-est bitch: thats fucking genius

 

johnny: UM

 

markl: thanks :)

 

johnny: some1 call 999

 

si chen g: whats wrong????

 

johnny: doyoungs been kidnapped and replaced by a shitty clone that doesnt even mimic him properly

 

DY: ,,,,,,,

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: shit its evolving and using his mannerisms

 

DY: i can be nice ok

 

TY: ,,,,,,,the police r on their way

 

DY: this is the last time im ever open about my emotions with you fucks i hope you know that

 

tiny virgin brain: aw doyoung

tiny virgin brain: i love you too buddy

 

DY: well its too late NOW

DY: you LEFT ME HANGING

DY: I GOT BULLIED

 

tiny virgin brain: lol banter

 

jae is alarmed: i love how the one thing that made you be nice was harry potter

 

DY: what can i say im a passionate man

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: aka doyoung was a nerd growing up and spent all his time forming intense connections to book characters rather than anyone apart from taeyong and yuta,,

 

il-est bitch: omg

 

tiny virgin brain: LMAO bitch got Read

 

TY: ,, i mean you’re not wrong

 

DY: what made you need to Expose me  like that dude wtf

DY: also its not a read if i literally told him this at our last sleepover

 

johnny: yall have sleepovers? Gay

 

jae is alarmed: you’re gay??

 

johnny: exactly. I love that shit

 

jae is alarmed: tbh same

 

DY: THIS JUST IN JAE IS CONFIRMED HOMO

 

TY: sit ur thirsty ass down he just said he likes sleepovers leave the kid alone

 

jae is alarmed: yeah dont stereotype, bitch

jae is alarmed: also ten im a slytherin

 

DY: figures,,,

 

jae is alarmed: bitch u saying shit abt my house

 

DY: maybe i am

 

markl: woah woah whats all this aggression dudes

markl: all houses were created equal

 

SICHDENFg:  ,,, but some were created,, more equal than others???

 

johnny: lol what

 

SICHDENFg: im sorry i didnt know if you were going for animal farm or not but i just threw it out there

 

markl: i am glad its out there my dude

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: yeah ignore johnny hes dumb

 

tiny virgin brain: me too it was a snazzy reference my guy

tiny virgin brain: i like an educated man ;))

 

il-est bitch: also its naive to see slytherin as the eternal bad guys, like ambition isnt a bad quality and also saying that only bad people are ambitious is going to produce a society where only bad people become ambitious and also where people consider their actions morally better than others based on a single characteristc when we see in the second book that even hufflepuffs can be judgemental assholes

 

johnny: teniel,,, why

 

DY removed tiny virgin brain from the group

 

TY: and we were doing so well

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: because i love you xox

 

markl: aw

 

johnny: i love you too xx

 

il-est bitch: #goals

 

DY: nice commentary tae

DY: shut up ten

DY: and johnny

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores:  single and bitter doyoung rises

 

jae is alarmed: you got any more comments doyoung?

 

DY: dont be a little bitch jae

 

SICHDENFg: lol u got told boi

 

il-est bitch: thx dy

 

TY added Nakamoto Yuta to the chat

 

Nakamoto Yuta: aw man i was gonna go to sleep

 

markl: i mean you still can cant you?

 

Nakamoto Yuta: nah these gremlins will bully me

 

jae is alarmed: he aint wrong lol

 

il-est bitch: speaking of gnight kids im already up too late

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: goodnight <3

 

DY: night tae

 

johnny: night night moon man

 

SICHDENFg: wait what i though you just said sleep was ridiculed

 

TY: sweet dreams and goodnight taeil :)

 

il-est bitch: aw thanks lads im soft

 

DY: nah only yuta is ridiculed

DY: and t*eyong

 

TY: ,, did you just,,censor my name?

 

DY: yes its too nasty

 

jae is alarmed: wow racist

 

DY: jae buddy,,, shut up

 

johnny: now who’s being ‘’’straight’’’

 

Nakamoto Yuta: aw shit man you killed him

 

DY: how Dare you

 

markl: hey guys can i go to sleep i cant keep my eyes open like this

 

TY: of course dude, doyoung only says no sleep cause he thinks he’s funny sleep well lil guy

 

SICHDENFg: ahh goodnight mark :D

 

DY: omg ofc you can go to sleep

 

johnny: aw goodnight mark

 

Nakamoto Yuta: night dude

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: sleep well markie

 

jae is alarmed: night mark see u in lit

 

markl: thanks guys

markl: and yeah see u jae aha

TY: that is one precious child

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: i know i love him

 

johnny: lil markie is my son :’)

 

DY: well get ready for a custody battle bitch

 

Nakamoto Yuta: whats this the caucasian chalk circle

  
jae is alarmed: nice play choice

 

SICHDENFg: i agree thta is a good play brecht was a lad

 

johnny: aw shit we’ve been invaded by drama students

 

TY: i’ll take drama students over your parrot impression

 

Nakamoto Yuta: lmaoo

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: lol wasted

 

johnny: just cause yall dont know art when you hear it,,,

 

jae is alarmed: i like it johnny

 

DY: hey hey whos tryin to 2 steal ten’s man

 

Nakamoto Yuta: oo beef

 

jae is alarmed: no one i just gotta big up my main man

 

SICHDENFg: but,,, i thought i was ur main man

 

Nakamoto Yuta: the beef thickens

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: please never say that again

 

Nakamoto Yuta: you kno what i wont fight you there that was foul

 

jae is alarmed: cant i many main men

 

DY renamed the group ‘jaehyun and his main men’

 

TY: did you intentionally make that gay,,

 

DY: its just the facts

DY: the gay is natural

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: well this natural gay needs his beauty sleep

 

Nakamoto Yuta: damn right lol

 

jae is alarmed: oh shit (oh shit)

 

johnny’s baby angel who he loves and adores: I will Kill you

 

SICHDENFg: is this cyber bullying yet

 

johnny: this is beyond cyber bulyying

johnny: also ten you;re beautiful

 

DY: alright im too tired to kick you guys but ur testing my patience now

 

TY: now u finally understand how everyone around you feels all the time

 

DY: bICTh i will delete this whole chat

 

jae is alarmed: ,,,, ‘bICTh’

 

SICHDENFg: lol i was great at ict in year 7

 

DY has deleted the chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so after 50000 years im back lol  
> thank u so much for reading i hope u enjoyed this nonsense that i have spent Far too long working on  
> thanks once again to amy for betaing this even though she has not been consumed by nct yet  
> let me know what you think/if you have any comments or criticisms it keeps me Alive and inspired  
> stay frosty lads and support my boys suju and astro not to mention nct 127's japanese comeback limitless is Reborn


	4. parental guidance

22:04

 

John Seo added Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul, Moon Taeil, Jung Jaehyun, Kim Dongyoung, Dong Sicheng, Mark Lee and Nakamoto Yuta to the chat.

 

Kim Dongyoung: ffs

Kim Dongyoung: we’re back on this bullshit again?

 

John Seo: yup

 

John Seo set his nickname to ‘johnny’

 

Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul: always

 

Kim Dongyoung: you guys seriously only gave me the break of a day

 

Moon Taeil: you could say it is a /daybreak/

 

Jung Jaehyun: ok i liked that one

 

Mark Lee: if not this bullshit, then it will be other Worse bullshit

 

Nakamoto Yuta: the dedja vu is real rn

Nakamoto Yuta: fuck *deja

 

Kim Dongyoung: dedja

 

Jung Jaehyun: dedja

 

johnny: dedja

 

Mark Lee: dedja

 

Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul set his nickname to ‘ten’

 

ten: dedja

 

Dong Sicheng: dedja

 

Nakamoto Yuta: not you too sicheng,,,

 

Dong Sicheng: sorry yuta

Dong Sicheng: gotta stick to the status quo

 

Jung Jaehyun: if u wanna be cool

 

Mark Lee: follow one simple rule

 

Johnny: don’t mess with the flow

 

ten: no no

 

Nakamoto Yuta: stick to the status quo

 

Kim Dongyoung: why does this groupchat always become a cult for early 2000s popculture

 

Jung Jaehyun: because we all yearn for the pre-credit crunch illusion of affluence and sanity

 

johnny: that was thing?

 

Jung Jaehyun: well were you worried abt the world dying in 2003?

 

Mark Lee: no,,, but i think that’s more to do with the fact that as a baby i didn’t really understand the concept of death

Mark Lee: or money

 

Jung Jaehyun: exactly

 

Kim Dongyoung: i mean im p sure nasty shit was going down in the early 2000s we jus dint have wifi

 

Mark Lee: ignorance is bliss

 

Nakamoto Yuta: but its got nothing on an orgasm

 

ten: iM

 

Moon Taeil: also guys

Moon Taeil: when you die twice

Moon Taeil: dedja vu

 

Dong Sicheng: lmaoo

 

Kim Dongyoung: ,,,how are you planning on dying twice though?

 

Moon Taeil: once as a human, second time as a zombie

 

Dong Sicheng: what about a third time as a ghost

 

Nakamoto Yuta set Dong Sicheng’s nickname to ‘an intellectual’

 

an intellectual: aw thank you yuta

 

Nakamoto Yuta: anytime :)

 

Kim Dongyoung: go be gay somewhere else pls thank you

 

an intellectual: no,,?

 

Kim Dongyoung: ok then

 

Moon Taeil: wait guys

Moon Taeil: arent we missing someone?

 

johnny: oh shit ur right

 

johnny added Lee Donghyuck to the chat

 

ten: eyo donghyuck

 

Mark Lee: hyuck yo

 

Lee Donghyuck: this is the second group chat ive been added to in two days whats going off

 

Kim Dongyoung: N O T H I N G

Kim Dongyoung: G O  A W A Y

Kim Dongyoung: NO  K I D S

 

Lee Donghyuck: damn ok 

 

johnny: cmon hyuck you gotta stay

 

Lee Donghyuck: ‘’’gotta’’’ i aint gotta do anything apart from each all these ferrero roches that my aunt bought for my mum 

 

Moon Taeil: hell yea stick it to the man 

 

ten set Lee Donghyuck’s nickname to ‘fancy boi’

 

fancy boi: noice

 

an intellectual: i once found out how you eat chocolate bars that can never be true

 

fancy boi: art is not always understood at the time of its conception

 

Moon Taeil: let the man be gross we are all gross at the end of the life

 

Nakamoto Yuta: inspirational

 

Moon Taeil: also i actually meant someone else you fucks??

 

an intellectual: why the question marks

 

ten: he’s not sure

 

an intellectual: not sure of what

 

Jung Jaehyun: not sure of anything

 

Mark Lee: are any of us sure of anything

 

Lee Donghyuck: im sure im not sure of anything

 

Nakamoto Yuta: big mood tbh

 

Kim Dongyoung: im only sure of one thing tbh

 

an intellectual: ,,,whats that

 

Kim Dongyoung: im GAy

 

Nakamoto Yuta: ,,,bigger mood tbh

 

Moon Taeil added Lee Taeyong to the chat

 

Lee Taeyong: wow nice to see that i was remembered

 

Moon Taeil: i remembered u ok 

 

Kim Dongyoung: why does true love have to be so gross

 

Nakamoto Yuta: equivalent exchange

 

johnny: weeb

 

Nakamoto Yuta: im?? From?? Japan??

 

johnny: Xtra weeb

 

Nakamoto Yuta: i wasnt even intentionally referencing fma 

Nakamoto Yuta: so technically 

Nakamoto Yuta: you’re the weeb

 

ten: o shit

 

an intellectual: *jonas brothers voice* oh how the tables have turned

 

Mark Lee: which jonas brother though

 

Jung Jaehyun: nick

 

Kim Dongyoung: interesting,,you chose a jonas brother so fast one might think you had your answer prepared

Kim Dongyoung: and you chose the hottest jonas brother as well,,,,

 

Jung Jaehyun: can’t a man have a favourite jonas brother and live in calm, heterosexual peace?

 

Kim Dongyoung: not if he picks the hot one

Kim Dongyoung: and when have the heterosexuals ever been calm or peaceful??

 

Lee Taeyong: idk i always took pity on kevin

 

fancy boi: well this has been fun but stranger danger so 

fancy boi: has left the chat

 

johnny: look what you;ve done taeyong, your shitty jonas brother preferences has cscared away the children

 

Kim Dongyoung: oh shit no

Kim Dongyoung added Lee Donghyuck to the chat

 

Lee Taeyong: wait what?

Lee Taeyong: first u dont want any kids and now ur adding them in?

Lee Taeyong: and johnny u cna chOKe

 

ten: kinkii

 

Lee Taeyong: stop

 

Kim Dongyoung: yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery today is a gift thats why we call it the present

 

an intellectual: ‘’cna’’’

 

Mark Lee: isnt that from kung fu panda

 

Nakamoto Yuta: you cant just quote kungfu panda to avoid the question regardless of how snazzy that film is

 

Kim Dongyoung: watch. me.

 

ten: also that doesnt make sense in the context

 

Kim Dongyoung: context is for nerds

 

johnny: i mean sure

 

Lee Donghyuck: well consider me a nerd for i would like All the context for what is going on here

 

Mark Lee set Lee Donghyuck’s nickname to ‘nerd’

 

nerd: wow mature

 

Mark Lee: you would do the same to me

Mark Lee: in fact im 99% sure you have

 

nerd: your maths disgust me

 

johnny: my mAN

 

nerd: ey

nerd: but also you are damn right i have

nerd: in fact

 

nerd set Mark Lee’s nickname to ‘nerd2’

 

an intellectual: so if we ignore u guys flirting

an intellectual: in terms of context its just another gc with some year 13s dont get mad abt it hyuck its pretty chill

 

Nakamoto Yuta: another? Which other year 13s are you talking to

 

nerd: yea that answered Nothing but thanks xoxox

 

an intellectual: um none? Lol

 

Moon Taeil: and here we see a jealous yuta in his natural habitat

 

Jung Jaehyun: ok donghyuck u know johnny right? He comes over and nicks the pepperoni off my pizza sometimes

 

johnny: hey u dont need to paint me like that ok i bet i have much more Iconic features than my occasional thievery

 

nerd2 set johnny’s nickname to ‘thieferoni’

 

an intellectual: omg i like that

 

nerd: ok yeah im familiar with johnny

nerd: and ten too 

 

ten: 10 to what >:))

 

thieferoni: babe i love u but donT

 

Jung Jaehyun: i see the babe initiative continues,,,

 

Nakamoto Yuta: im not jealous???

 

Lee Taeyong: and im not terrified about the prospect of nuclear war

 

nerd2: not to be that guy but a) you’re acting kinda jealous and b) we might have moved on a little

 

thieferoni: damn mark savage

 

an intellectual: whos mark savage

 

nerd2: :/ i tried ok

 

nerd: give him a break hes canadian

 

an intellectual: oh wait lol

an intellectual: you guys should use commas more

 

Kim Dongyoung set Nakamoto Yuta’s nickname to ‘jealous returns’

 

Moon Taeil: talk about de(d)ja vu

 

ten: i know donghyuck knows me but how were u gonn introduce me what are the Greatest Hits

 

Jung Jaehyun: well i was gonna say you’re johnny’s boyfriend,,,,

Jung Jaehyun: and well 

Jung Jaehyun: this is the rest of johnny’s squad

 

Kim Dongyoung set Lee Taeyong’s nickname to  ‘3edgy5me’

 

Kim Dongyoung: Jung jae hyun i do not spend my time trying to enLighten you of ur damn sexuality to just be called part of ‘johnny’s squad’

 

3edgy5me: it’s my squad first of all

 

an intellectual: w h a t 

 

jealous returns: literally

jealous returns: we’re know as ‘taeyong’s squad’ in our year

 

Moon Taeil: its what the teachers call us

 

jealous returns: they generally say ‘taeyong’s group’

 

Kim Dongyoung: its what my brother calls us,,,

 

ten: we’ve stuck together since year 7 history and Now? We’re icons

 

thieferoni: its our Official Title

 

Kim Dongyoung: some1 called us ‘johnny’s squad once’ and we were so shook lol

 

jealous returns: shook before shook was even a thing

 

Moon Taeil: taeyong is the title character in the tv show of our life

Moon Taeil: its still an ensemble piece - just taeyong is the draw for New Viewers

 

ten: we’re still trying to come up with a tv show name tho,,,,

 

Jung Jaehyun: ,,,wow

 

an intellectual: you guys are real cool i hope u know that

 

nerd: i have a tv show name for you guys

 

thieferoni: ooh what lets hear the Pitch

 

nerd: ,,,,,the nerd herd

 

3edgy5me: damn ok wow

 

jealous returns: um we didnt ask for this negativity

 

Jung Jaehyun: um i think you did when you guys said it was your ‘official title’

 

ten: actually its Official Title sort out ur capital letter thanks kid xox

 

nerd2: just be thankful its not worse

 

thieferoni: you what now

thieferoni: are you,,, threatening us mark

 

nerd2: what No

 

an intellectual: omg DarkMark rise

 

Moon Taeil: ohh ts like

Moon Taeil: Dark Mark

 

Kim Dongyoung: mark you Abuser

 

Moon Taeil: as in mark is evil

 

jealous returns: after all we’ve done for you,,,

 

3edy5me: what have we done for him??

 

Moon Taeil: but also

Moon Taeil: the Dark Mark

Moon Taeil: i like that

 

thieferoni: uh made him cool by association? Obv

 

an intellectual: thanks taeil

 

Jung Jaehyun: obv.

 

nerd: uh i dont think anyone could do that let alone you guys

 

nerd set the chat name to ‘the nerd herd’

 

Moon Taeil: no problem

 

nerd2: wow thanks hyuck ur a great friend

 

Kim Dongyoung: if we’re in the nerd herd then so are u binch

 

nerd: you know it baby

 

Jung Jaehyun: ,,who was that to?

 

nerd2: me

 

ten: ohoho ur very certain of that mark

 

Kim Dongyoung: well its not gonna be me now is it ffs

 

nerd2: hyuck just calls me baby sometimes ok :/

 

Moon Taeil: oh to be young and in love,,

 

nerd: nah m8 i jus do it to piss mark off lmao

 

Jung Jaehyun: ok sure

 

jealous returns: sounds Fake jake

 

an intellectual: to be fair it tends to make mark p pissed

an intellectual: his ears go red and everything

 

3edgy5me: the plot thickens

 

Kim Dongyoung: unlike your ass

 

nerd2: omg

 

thieferoni: wasted

 

ten: that was So unnecessary i lov eit

 

jealous returns: lmao dead

 

Jung Jaehyun: as amusing as taeyong getting roasted Is can i just

 

Jung Jaehyun set the chat name to ‘sheeple’

 

Jung Jaehyun: it was looking a little too mainstream fo me

Jung Jaehyun: needed to spice it up

 

nerd set Jung Jaehyun’s nickname to ‘spicey’

 

ten: uM

 

ten set his nickname to ‘spiceyer’

 

an intellectual: um what lol

 

ten: im competitive when it comes to Spice ok

 

3edgy5me: ok but makr what did you mean by it could be worse?

 

nerd2: OH well

nerd2: hyuck told me his original idea which i vetoed

 

Kim Dongyoung: ok charles de gaulle

 

spicey: ,,,does that make donghyuck super mac,,,

 

nerd: no bitch i ain no tory

nerd: and if i have to be a tory i’ll be ken clarke thanks xx

 

3edgy5me: im adopting this one

 

spicey: what, ken clarke?

 

an intellectual: u should talk to ur husband abt it first

 

nerd: w h o m e

nerd: whose married and why wasnt i invited

 

nerd2: *who’s

 

nerd: fight me lee

 

spiceyer: you two apparently

 

theiferoni: but also #2tae

 

3edgy5me: ,,,,when will this die

 

Kim Dongyoung: when you and Taeil have matching gravestones next to each other, bitch

 

spicey: thats so Gothic omg

 

Moon Taeil: lmao doyoung confirmed scene kid

 

jealous returns set Kim Dongyoung’s nickname as ‘xxd0y0ungxx’

 

xxd0y0ungxx: i

 

nerd: its so ugly i love it

 

spicey: i mean i meant Gothic as in the literature genre but ok

 

xxd0y0ungxx: jae i hope you realise that you being such a literature nerd is both the cutest and gayest thing ever

 

Moon Taeil: books are gay now? I love this song

 

an intellectual: where have you been you Fool books have Always been gay

 

nerd2: damn sicheng dropping those Truths

 

spiceyer: why is all i can think of that ‘hurricane katrina more like hurricane tortilla’ vine

 

nerd: markl,, thats a v Gay comment for you to make there my hetfriend

 

theiferoni: omg i love that vine

 

nerd2: first of all *too

 

spiceyer: me too but that doesnt answer my question,,,

 

xxd0y0ungxx: omg guy its Happening

 

nerd2: second of all i have never once been ur friend

 

nerd: oh

 

3edgy5me: damn mark chill the guys done nothing wrong

 

nerd2: *HETFRIEND HETFRIEND

nerd2: FUCK

 

nerd: omg dw i was gonna lmao it off anyway i know you adore being my bff

nerd: wait waht

nerd: WHAT

 

nerd2: um surprise?

 

nerd: i kNEW IT

nerd: IM SO HAPPOY

nerd2: i love and support u mark 

 

nerd2: omg thanks hyuck

 

nerd: literally dude im living for this welcomm

 

nerd2: thanks hyuck :)

 

nerd: ok but where are the rest of u 

 

jealous returns: we just decided to give you #younglovers some space to work things out

 

nerd2: ,,,,,,,,,,,

 

nerd: so 2 guys cant even be best friends now? Damn the homosexual agenda is a Time

 

spicey: the other day u told me the homosexual agenda was defeating the Man through disrupting the education system by me letting u copy my homework,,,

 

nerd: its a good Time

 

3edgy5me: this is off topic so ill probably get bullied but mark 

 

nerd2: yes,,?

 

3edgy5me: you sounded so ominous when you said ‘it could be worse’ so my paranoid brain is trying to work out what that is lol

 

xxd0y0ungxx: see when you predict the bullying it makes me not want to do it just to prove you wrong 

 

an intellectual: does being this petty ever tire you out

 

xxd0y0ungxx: nah dw i got a lot of stamina >:)

 

Moon Taeil: um this is not the pg content that i signed up for

 

nerd2: well essentially he wanted to call you narcissistic c*nts

 

Moon Taeil: That’s More Like It

 

thieferoni: mark utr too cute omg

 

jealous returns: Can You Believe MArk Lee Censors Cunt

 

Moon Taeil: Yes

 

jealous returns: :/

 

nerd2: the bbc wont say it so me neither

 

xxd0y0ungxx: i lowkey love that

 

spiceyer: omg are u guys dm ing each ither abt this?  wilde

 

an intellectual: ‘ither’

 

nerd: lmao no we were jst talking about it

 

3edgy5me: are you guys hanging out wtf its a thursday night you guys should be in Bed

 

spicey set 3edgy5me’s nickname to ‘taemum’

 

taemum: ,,,,

 

nerd: cool thy beanz we’re just skyping

 

xxd0y0ungxx: *skype dating

xxd0y0ungxx: dont worry we support it

 

nerd2: um you’re not our parents

 

an intellectual: actually im p sure taeyong said he’d adopt donghyuck sooo

 

theiferoni: MARK IS MY SON

 

xxd0y0ungxx: FIGHT ME HO

 

spiceyer: WE’RE FUCKING READY

spiceyer: WELCOME TO THE FUCKING FAMILY MARKIE

 

nerd2: uh

nerd2: i gotta say this is not a situation i was prepared to deal with today

 

Moon Taeil: big mood

 

theiferoni: stfu taeil you already have a son stay out of this

 

Moon Taeil: i do??

 

spiceyer set Moon Taeil’s nickname to ‘taedad’

 

jealous returns: thats such poetry omg hardcore couple matching wow

 

taemum: i mean

taemum: we’re kind of lowkey the parents of the group i recognise that

 

taedad: are we?? omg

 

jealous returns: to be fair doyoung is also p parental even though he pretends to hate kids

 

xxd0y0ungxx: ,,, dont expose me like this

 

jealous returns: ill expose you however i damn want

 

nerd2: um what

 

theiferoni: omggrssgsgs

spicey: there are so many things wrong with that statement

 

xxd0y0ungxx: starting with me and y*ta even being in the same sentence this is slander ill have you killed nakamoto

 

jealous returns: is that a promise

 

taedad: ,,,kinky?

 

taemum: There Will Be No Necrophillia In The Group Chat

 

nerd: well thats not something i thought id see today

nerd: or any day

nerd: what the actual fuck is going on

 

an intellectual: ive begun asking myself that with increasing frequency lately

 

spiceyer: it happens to the best of us dw

 

theiferoni: um fake news it never happens to me

 

nerd2: i mean was that supposed to be a supporting statement or,,,?

 

spicey: damn actual savage mark holy shit

 

jealous returns: look at that man u leveled up

 

nerd: 10XP to markie lee

 

taedad: my son is a poet

 

nerd2: can everyone stop acting /so/ surprised,,,

 

spiceyer: sorry it goes against my contract xox

 

taemum: you dont even have a job ho sit down 

 

jealous returns: /be humble/

 

spicey: how can i stop Acting when the whole world is a stage

 

xxd0y0ungxx: ,,,,

 

an intellectual: be humble,,,, bumble

 

xxd0y0ungxx: jae are you intentionally trying to out gay yourself here or are you just doing it to wind me up fc

 

taedad: i love that so much put it on my gravestone

 

spicey: why is there such a strong theme of death today

spicey: also doyoung

spicey: u wot

 

xxd0y0ungxx: shakespeare is gay culture ok

 

spicey: says who

 

xxd0y0ungxx: says shakespeare and the 126 sonnets he wrote about loving men

 

jealous returns set an intellectual’s nickname to ‘THE intellectual’

 

spicey: damn ok i see you there shakey

spicey: but seriously by the Death

 

THE intellectual: aw thanks yuta

 

jealous returns: no problem :))

 

nerd2: um my single ass doesnt need this bullshit thanks

 

spiceyer: idk as we get further into term we get progressively more emo

 

taemum: it is September

 

jealous returns: your point?

 

taemum: if we’re this emo now

taemum: whats it gonna be by christmas

 

theiferoni: Festive

 

nerd: are those the only moods - Emo and Festive

 

xxd0y0ungxx: what about the special limited edition: Emofestive

 

taedad: aka taeyong’s favourite christmas song

 

jealous returns: i thought is was have urself a merry little christmas cause of ‘ make the yuletide gay?’

 

theiferoni: nah your mixing Yourself up with taeyong

 

xxd0y0ungxx: easy to do as your both b*sic bitches

 

nerd2: both of you,,, *you’re

 

spiceyer: look at that thats disgusting the world is going to the dogs

 

THE intellectual: I God Damn Hope So

 

nerd: ^^retweet let the god become our unholy overlords

 

taedad: what makes you think dogs are Unholy you heathen

 

jealous returns: this is true all dogs are pure

 

spicey: uhh cerberus

 

xxd0y0ungxx: three heads three times as pure

xxd0y0ungxx: also greek mythology? Gay

 

spiceyer: isnt that just an extension of shakespeare being gay culture

 

xxd0y0ungxx: see here we have a premium gay who is aware of the links between ws and patroclus and achilles and shit, demongaying how it is Gay Culture

 

theiferoni: ,,,did you change demonstrating to demongaying so it wouldnt be hetero?

 

xxd0y0ungxx: uh yeah thats exactly what i did and its art

 

nerd: demongaying,, im stealing this

 

xxd0y0ungxx: that is fine my young gay padawan

 

THE intellectual: it suits you

 

taemum: uh excuse you that my son if hes anyone’s padawan its mine thanks xox

 

taedad: yeah dont Steal our Son

 

xxd0y0ungxx: fine

xxd0y0ungxx: but only cause you two are soulmates

 

spiceyer: uh so are johnny and i so we get mark thanks xox

 

nerd2: uh what

 

jealous returns: UH WHAT

 

xxd0y0ungxx: UH EWHASJASJT

 

theiferoni: yuta since when did you want in on this

 

jealous returns: since id be the best parent out of all of yall which is always

 

spicey: really? Im not sure you’d be a great candidate

 

nerd2: whats with all this adoption im not a neopet,,

 

spiceyer: you’re kind of a neopet

 

jealous returns: uh me and sicheng are totally good candidates - we could adopt a kid right sicheng?

 

THE intellectual: speaking of padawans

THE intellectual: does it trip anyone else out that arnold’s kid in jingle all the way is also anakin skywalker

 

jealous returns: ,,,,,,,,,

 

nerd2: well donghyuck’s fallen asleep on call so imma have to go to bed so i can properly roast him tomorrow and i gotta say although i appreciate all the offers i think i’ll let johnny and ten adopt me 

 

theiferoni: omg im honoured but also HOW R U GIYS SO CHUTRE

 

taemum: johnny man,,, chill

 

xxd0y0ungxx: you’re tearing me apart lisa

 

spiceyer: eyoo

 

jealous returns: he’s not lisa

jealous returns: hes mark

jealous returns: but he can be lisa if he wants to be

 

xxd0y0ungxx: tag yourself im ‘hes not lisa’

 

spicey: im ‘he can be if he wants to be’

 

taemum: how inspirational

 

taedad: whats even more inspirational is going to sleep

 

theiferoni: prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreach

 

spiceyer: who are you tony the tiger

 

theiferoni: i can be for you babe ;)

 

taemum: OK THIS CAN STOP WE SHOULD ALL GO TO SLEEP AND STOP TJIS THANKS

 

xxd0y0ungxx: ok but who do i get to adopt

 

THE intellectual: yeah im off to sleep night night guys

 

theiferoni: adopt jaehyun

 

jealous returns: aw goodnight sicheng <£

jealous returns: shit

 

THE intellectual: its fine i love money anyway 

 

xxd0y0ungxx: um no thats #gross

 

spicey: mood

spicey: to both

 

taedad set THE intellectual’s nickname to ‘KAcheng’

 

KAcheng: THis Is My Final Form

KAcheng: and this is my final yawn goodnight

 

theiferoni: its sicheng so i cant hate it,,, but i want to

 

spicey: bmood

 

taemum: bmood?

 

spicey: big.Mood

 

taemum: ah

taemum: well my bmood is death so im off to practise see you guys in like 5 hours 

 

xxd0y0ungxx: thats the ugliest sentence ive ever read please dont make me delete this chat again

 

spiceyer: stfu you love us

 

xxd0y0ungxx: dont force me into a postion where i have to be an edgy twat and deny this you know emotions make me Uncomfortable

 

spicey: sure

 

xxd0y0ungxx: um

xxd0y0ungxx: not to use the technique of repetion but i literally do not know have not met you

 

spicey: not to use the technique of repetition but i can already see you’re an emotional mess so what does that tell you

 

xxd0y0ungxx: go away i hate you

 

spicey: me too bitch but if i have to deal with my bullshit then so do you xox

 

xxd0y0ungxx: so you agree that you being heterosexual is bullshit? Thanks!

 

spicey: you know thats not what i was talking about

 

xxd0y0ungxx: hmm but do i though,,,,

 

spicey: tell me are you always this much of an arse or is it just for me

 

xxd0y0ungxx: oh dw babe you’re not that special 

xxd0y0ungxx: you know full well im like this alll the time

 

spicey: ,,true

spicey: also dont call me babe

 

xxd0y0ungxx: ohh sorry am i rubbing my little gay words all over you too much

 

spicey: wtf no

spicey: its just Condescending you Twat

 

xxd0y0ungxx: but thats all im good at

 

spicey: nah

spicey: people are rarely good at one thing

spicey: breathing for instance

spicey: you’re probably good at that

 

xxd0y0ungxx: wow thanks im touched

xxd0y0ungxx: wait shit where are the others

 

spicey: have thay all gone to sleep wtf

 

xxd0y0ungxx: ,,,,sounds fake

xxd0y0ungxx: lets investigate in the morning

 

spicey: im ready when you are scoob

 

xxd0y0ungxx: excuse you im totally daphne

 

spicey: well im definitely fred so fight me

 

xxd0y0ungxx: shit ok keep the agression On the court captain

 

spicey: oh be quiet

 

xxd0y0ungxx: sure 

 

spicey: yeah right

  
  
  


spicey: oh not this again

  
  


spicey: dont Yuta me you dick

  
  


spicey: i refuse to be the yuta here

  
  
  
  


spicey: ugh fine 

spicey: but the fact you’re repeating yourself shows a real lack of imagination

  
  
  
  
  


xxd0y0ungxx: xoxox

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess whos back with another piece of trash! its me  
> but yeah i hope u enjoyed this Mess - the comments have been giving me life im so happy that people other myself are enjoying this nonsense but yea
> 
> now i did get a comment that generally pertained as to why i use ten's full name when in thai culture that's rarely done so although i have replied to that person, i thought id clarify here as well: the messaging system used in this fic is somewhat an amalgamation of messenger and chatzy and those sorts of chatroom based messengers. within this system so she a level of informality i have decided that each of the boy's accounts' uses their full names, hence why johnny is john seo and doyoung is kim dongyoung. also as displayed in nct life chiang mai, ten clearly does not have an issue with his name being used as a point of humour e.g. 'chittaphrr'. i hope this cleared things up for anyone else who was concerned and if you weren't then now you know
> 
> if you want to talk further abt this or anything else my tumblr is @blondejeffery and my twitter is @greychim
> 
> thank u so much for reading and thank u so much to amy, jess and claudi for betaing for me they are angels and idk what id do without them <3
> 
> comments n criticism r always welcom pls talk to me im lonely (jk jk) (not really tho) xxxx


	5. teen spirit

20:59

 

jealous returns: have u ever had an orgasm so good ur eyes watered

jealous returns: shit wrong chat lol

 

nerd2: um

 

theiferoni: lmao 

 

xxd0y0ungxx: new phone who dis

 

spiceyer: get out doyoung

 

KAcheng: w h a t

 

spicey: sicheng ‘new phone who dis’ is like a really outdated meme dw about it

 

xxd0y0ungxx: ok how dare you its a classic its retro

 

theiferoni: jae i dont think thats what sicheng meant

 

xxd0y0ungxx: read up

 

spicey: oh

spicey: lmao

 

taemum: ok but yuta why do u even have a chat where you discuss orgasms

 

taedad: taeyong are u sure u want the answer to that question babe?

 

jealous returns: well

 

taedad its too fuckin late

 

jealous returns: it was actually me n ten’s private chat

 

spiceyer: hey man why couldnt you keep it anonymous 

 

xxd0y0ungxx: a follow up question because i want us to all burn in hell together

 

nerd: but,,,,we already,,, go,,, to school

 

theiferoni: OH SHIT EDGELORD ALEARD

 

spiceyer: and here i was thinking we were gonna make a gay joke

 

jealous returns: this is why donghyuck is ur son taeyong

 

spicey: aleard

 

taemum: im ignoring u

 

xxd0y0ungxx: aleard

 

nerd2: aleard

 

KAcheng: aleard

 

taemum: aleard

 

spiceyer: aleard

 

jealous returns: aleard

 

nerd: aleard

 

taedad: aleard

 

theiferoni: aleard

 

jealous returns: uh johnny

jealous returns: not to burst ur bisexual bubble

jealous returns: but that’s your own spelling error my guy

 

spiceyer: loving that alliteration yutes

 

xxd0y0ungxx: ok tag yourself im ‘not to burst your bisexual bubble’

 

spicey: ‘that’s your own spelling error my guy’

 

nerd: damn that is you

 

spicey: well i was tagging Myself

 

nerd: jinkies ok cool thy jets

 

spicey: maybe if you stop being a member of the fucking mystery gang you cartoon fuck

 

theiferoni: is it me or is this unnecessarily aggressive 

 

nerd2: thats our byline - teen spirit and all that

 

taemum: to be fair this is all very stupid and that seems contagious

 

KAcheng: every1 needs to hold their horses because i thought someone wanted to fuck a cartoon for a  secondo

 

theiferoni: and i know im just owning my failures

theiferoni: its called self improvement you should try it

 

xxd0y0ungxx: its ok sicheng you can say jaehyun

 

spicey: hEY

 

taedad: does this mean we’re gonna be subjected to you trying to maintain a ‘healthy lifestyle’ for another week and a half before you give up  

 

theiferoni: first of all 

theiferoni: fuck you

 

xxd0y0ungxx: hey ur the the one who said it man im just making the Context clear 

xxd0y0ungxx: but if you’re that defensive

 

xxd0y0ungxx: set spicey’s nickname to ‘jae is a weeb’

 

taemum: if anyone makes a joke about me and tae i swear i’ll gut you with a blunt pencil

 

jae is a weeb: kinkii

jae is a weeb: also thats incorrect in like three different ways so im just gonna

 

xxd0y0ungxx: i mean you clearly knew there was some grounding for that joke so thanks for making my job easier xox

 

taemum: i’ll block you 

 

jae is a weeb set his nickname as ‘jae is alarmed’

 

xxd0y0ungxx: bringing that one back? Repetitive. Ritualistic. Backward. Unavant garde.

 

jealous returns: since when has violence been the teenage spirit

 

xxd0y0ungxx: since the telegraph got bored in the 50s and made teenagers look like hooligans

 

nerd2: i was gonna say ever since doyoung met taeyong,, but yours is good too

 

xxd0y0ungxx: ,,,damn,, you right,, fuck

 

jae is alarmed renamed the chat ‘hooligans’

 

spiceyer: doyoung why u always gotta be that bitch

 

xxd0y0ungxx: im born with it babe 

 

theiferoni: oi oi simmer down get ur own man 

 

taedad: he’s trying

 

nerd: me too ://

 

spiceyer: stfu ur like 12

 

nerd: i mean im 16 but Okay

 

taedad: 16 more like 6mean

 

nerd2: thats accurate

 

nerd: what did i ever do to you

 

jae is alarmed: do you want his list?

 

spiceyer: omg mark lee do you have a burn book

 

theiferoni set nerd2’s nickname to ‘regina george’

 

jealous returns: regina george more like vagina george

 

KAcheng: uh

KAcheng: ok

 

taemum: ?????

taemum: that makes zero (0) sense

 

jealous returns: cmon that was pretty funny

 

xxd0y0ungxx: no it wasnt

 

jae is alarmed: no it wasn’t

 

xxd0y0ungxx: go fuck yourself with that apostrophe jaehyun

 

jae is alarmed: sure, maybe thats what yuta used to have ‘an orgasm so good (his) eyes watered’

 

jealous returns: i thought we’d moved on from that

 

nerd: im not sure how we can ever move on from that

nerd: i, for one, am making tshirts of it as we speak

 

jae is alarmed: hmmmhmhmhm choke

 

regina george: i support this message

 

taedad: leave my son olone

 

nerd: you have another son?

 

taemum: yeah how come ive never heard of this olone guy?

 

taedad: ,,,,,,,,,

 

theiferoni: things r getting tense in the lee-moon household

 

xxd0y0ungxx: first of all its moon-lee

 

regina george: i read that in the caillou narrator voice

 

jealous returns: why do you even have a stance on this??

 

xxd0y0ungxx: because im a good friend who’s planned all yout weddings duh

 

nerd: this wedding empty YOUT

 

KAcheng: i,, love it

 

jae is alarmed: question - how is doyoung able to put time and effort into organising everyone else;s lives but has to be convinced to do homework?? 

 

xxd0y0ungxx: scientists dont know

 

theiferoni: or do they - taeil?

 

taedad: ye

 

theiferoni: whaddayathink

 

xxd0y0ungxx: oh come on taeil cant psychoanalyse me ur better off having jaehyun donghyuck sicheng or mark do it and they dont even Know me

 

KAcheng: uM

 

jae is alarmed: im not sure whether we should be offended or not

 

nerd: thi is Ageism at its finest

 

regina george: ngl i dont htink i’ve ever psychoanalysed someone in my life

 

spiceyer: tf??

spiceyer: the hell atre u doing with your free time then??

 

regina george: idk but at least i can spell

 

KAcheng: being stressed

 

taedad: lol nice one makr

 

theiferoni: me when i met mark: guess its time to meet my makr

 

xxd0y0ungxx: @Lee Taeyong die

 

taemum: im trying xox

 

jealous returns removed theiferoni from the chat

 

spiceyer: stfu its called an artistic choice

 

jae is alarmed: oh so which facebook mum meme did you get that one from ten?

 

spiceyer: ,,,,

spiceyer: you know who we should abuse instead of me? Yuta

 

xxd0y0ungxx: #blessed #love #faith #in #humanity

xxd0y0ungxx: #PresidentTen

 

regina george: Please. Stop

 

theiferoni: ,,,hte sincerity,,, im tearing up

 

nerd: hi tearing up

 

regina george: PLease. Stop.

 

xxd0y0ungxx: #never

 

jealous returns: hte spagheti

jealous returns: shit i cant find my alien gif

 

jae is alarmed added John Seo to the chat

 

taedad: maybe when you’ve finished crying whilst wanking you’ll be able to see more clearly

 

John Seo: daaaaaaamn

 

xxd0y0ungxx: this just in yuta cries during sex

xxd0y0ungxx: now someone screenshot that and tweet it please and thank you

 

spiceyer: on it xox

 

jealous returns: tf did you get that from

 

jae is alarmed: idk man it might have been the whole ‘orgasm’ and ‘eyes watered’ thing

 

jealous returns: cAN PEOPLE STOP QUOTING ME ON THAT

 

spiceyer: too late its my yearbook quote

 

jealous returns: and doyoung you of all people should know thats bs xox

 

nerd: what

 

jae is alarmed: what

 

nerd2: what

 

KAcheng: what

jealous returns: what.

 

xxd0y0ungxx: ignoring that

xxd0y0ungxx: @ten

xxd0y0ungxx: woah there partner let put the end of the year back where it belongs,, out of sight our of mind Thank You

 

KAcheng: tbf the only difference between crying and your eyes watering is how much of a tracy beaker you wanna be

 

nerd: hAYFEVER

 

jealous returns: and you know what i think i agree with the no kids rule all of you out thank you

 

xxd0y0ungxx: suddenly i hate the rule lets have all the kids

 

KAcheng: i miss tracy beaker

 

regina george: i agree man, that was a classic

 

taedad: ditto tbh

 

nerd: ditto is such an ugly word

 

taedad: yOU’RE AN UGLY WORD

 

nerd: YOU DONT KNOW THAT YOU DONT KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE

 

KAcheng: no one really knows what they look like tho

 

John Seo set spicey’s nickname as elaine the pain

 

spiceyer: ,,,, damn thats harsh

 

elaine the pain: bro,,

 

taedad: THATS TRUE BUT YOU@RE STILL UGLY

 

John Seo: sorry bro i didnt mean it i just panicked and wanted to nickname someone while the Muse was with me

 

elaine the pain: after all ive done for you,, ;’’(

 

nerd: elaine the pain is your muse?

nerd: AND MAYBE SO

Nerd: BUT YYOU ARE UGLIER

 

taedad: that emoticon is cursed

 

John Seo set his nickname as ‘johnny’

 

taemum: not to interrupt

 

xxd0y0ungxx: he says, interrupting

 

johnny: maybe she is

 

taemum: but why dont we know what you guys look like? Like why havent we hung out at school so far

 

jealous returns: thats agood point

 

KAcheng: uh 

 

nerd: Reasons.

 

KAcheng: sick

KAcheng: we’re sick

 

spiceyer: what all of you

 

elaine the pain: i feel like there should be some punctuation in there

 

spiceyer: i feel like you should shut up

 

regina george: i was at a funeral

 

taemum: all week?

 

taedad: sounds Fake kids

 

21:54 - 4realz

 

Lee Donghyuck: DOYOUNG WHAT THE FUCK DO WE SAY

 

Kim Dongyoung: ANYTHING BUT THE TRYUTH YOU DUMBFUCK

 

Jung Jaehyun: ‘Tryuth’

 

Kim Dongyoung: ffs shut up and let me handle it

Kim Dongyoung: and mark you;re a terrible liar

 

Mark Lee: what no im not

 

Lee Donghyuck: uh yesyouare

 

Dong Sicheng: mark,, one bad liar to another,, you are a bad liar

 

Jung Jaehyun: bad liar is a bop tho

 

Kim Dongyoung: SEE this is why you’re gay ugh we dont have time for this stop giving me these nuggets

 

Jung Jaehyun: what if i was to give you these nuggets

Jung Jaehyun: because these nuggets? Arent nuggets

 

Dong Sicheng: u guys r making me want chicken nuggets now

Dong Sicheng: be civil you dont have to drag my stomach into this

 

Lee Donghyuck: yeah thats just cruel

 

Kim Dongyoung: sweet jesus just stop being so Noitsy

 

Mark Lee: where did that t even come from

 

Lee Donghyuck: the keyboard duh

 

21:56 - hooligans

 

xxd0y0ungxx: hey maybe they just wanna keep their space from us i completely endorse this

 

johnny: doyoung supporting others? This is suspicious

 

spiceyer: be quiet and admit you think they wont think ur cool when they see u in real life u dumb nerd

 

xxd0y0ungxx: ,,,,

xxd0y0ungxx: you put the moron in oxymoron

 

johnny: sometimes,, both of you,, can be right

 

spiceyer: jOHNNY

 

johnny: love you babe

 

22:02 - 4realz

 

Mark Lee: nice save

 

Kim Dongyoung: Thanks i had to sacrifice my dignity for you worthless twinks who can’t lie but i guess thats fine

 

Jung Jaehyun: not a very big sacrifice tho seeing as you didnt have much to begin with

 

Lee Donghyuck: that because he hands it out like is fucking nectar points

 

Mark Lee: I don’t want doyoung nectar points thanks

 

Dong Sicheng: wow,, way to go making it gross there

 

Jung Jaehyun: no one does

 

Kim Dongyoung: shut up all of you

Kim Dongyoung: but especially you jaehyun

 

22:04 - hooligans

 

KAcheng: um this pda is noit why i signed up for so im going to have to cancel all of you

 

xxd0y0ungxx: and im not right wing #fuckthetories

 

taemum: i support this motion

 

KAcheng: motion carried

 

nerd: im the motion

 

jealous returns: w hat

 

nerd: needs to be carried

 

spiceyer set nerd’s nickname to ‘baby’

 

baby: now dont u dare go putting me in any corners

 

jealous returns: doyoung,, how is that relevant

 

xxd0y0ungxx: insulting the tories is always relevant

 

johnny: mood

 

spiceyer: speaking of

spiceyer: @doyoung can u send me ur personal statement to compare ,mine to thanks

 

xxd0y0ungxx: srry am doing hw

 

elaine the pain: a likely story

 

taemum: how is that ‘speaking of’

 

xxd0y0ungxx: sometimes homeowrk is just eating soup and watching brooklyn 99 on netflix and thats just how it is ok

 

theiferoni: homeowrk more like homowork

 

jealous returns: now that would be accurate if doyoung got any, ever

 

regina george: i didnt think we were talking about,,, that

 

johnny: aw mark lee cant say sex

 

baby: Let Mark Lee Say Fuck

 

taemum: we weren’t but yuta is always talking about sex

 

KAcheng: isnt it a more accurate synonym for prostition

KAcheng: i mean if you’re working,,

 

jealous returns: thats a good point

 

taedad: what’s doyoung’s prostitute name tho

 

baby: i thought only strippers had like ‘’stage names’’’’ or whatever

 

xxd0y0ungxx: why did Any on you make this abt sex let Alone prostitution

 

elaine the pain: uh because in this patriarchal society sex is prized as the be-all and end-all for young people and popular culture revolves around it so much that it is seen as an insult to say that one person has either ‘too little’ or ‘too much’ sex

 

taedad: damn you banged that one out real quick

 

baby: lmao /banged/

 

elaine the pain: but anyway your prostitute name is Bunny Cashmere 

 

xxd0y0ungxx: ffs

 

johnny: i want to ask your reasoning behind it but there are some things i dont want to know about you

 

elaine the pain: fair

 

Bunny Cashmere set elain the pain’s nickname to rupi kaur

 

rupi kaur: im ok with that

 

taemum: i though you were bae

taemum: turns out you were just fam

 

jealous returns: what ?

 

taemum: milk and vine u uneducated ho

 

spiceyer: thats culture now??

 

taedad: yeah - youth culture

 

regina george: what happened to violence being our culture

 

baby: no thats our spirit, milk and vine is our culture

 

jealous returns: spirit: violent

jealous returns: culture: milky

jealous returns: dick: out

 

Bunny Cashmere: if you say so

 

Bunny Cashmere removed jealous returns from the chat

 

KAcheng: and we were doing so well,,

 

baby: it has been zero (0) days since our last bullshit

 

Bunny Cashmere: thats the way we like it >>:)

 

spiceyer: im sorry i still cant get over bunny cashmere

 

Bunny Cashmere: no one ever can ;))

 

regina george: ok i didnk like the first emoticon but thats worse

 

johnny: ;;;;))) is is now

 

KAcheng: is is

 

rupi kaur: u know what i agree 

rupi kaur: petition to ban all emotion offenders

 

taedad: technically you’re the emoticon offender cause you’re the one offended,,

 

rupi kaur: you say technically like you’re right,, but the thing is,, you’re not

 

taemum: hey now thats a bit rude

 

Bunny Cashmere: fine we’ll be emoticon defenders

 

baby: emoticon defenders or emoticon offenders. Which is better

 

spicey: nO

 

baby: only one way to find out- FIGHTGHT

 

johnny: not sure that’s what harry hill said exactly tbh #fakefan

 

Bunny Cashmere: im just surprised you were even alive when that was airing - you were born what 3? 4? Years ago wow

 

KAcheng: stfu and pick ur damn sides i have a joke i want to make

KAcheng: also 

 

KAcheng added Nakamoto Yuta to the chat

 

taedad: oK sicheng damn son calm down

taedad: and im #emoticondefender

 

Bunny Cashmere: me too

 

johnny: me 3

 

spiceyer: me ten

 

Nakamoto Yuta: thats not even funny anymore jfc get some new material

Nakamoto Yuta: also thanks sicheng 

 

rupi kaur: team emoticon offenders REPRESENT

 

regina george: !!

 

taemum: i literally have no opinion here

 

rupi kaur: then fucking join us

 

Nakamoto Yuta set KAcheng’s nickname to <3

 

<3: aw thanks

<3: but pick a damn side nakamoto

 

baby: damn tough love

baby: and im on team offenders but only because they’re currently the underdog and that appeals to my sense of justice

 

johnny: you have one of those?

 

baby: jury’s still out

 

Nakamoto Yuta: im gonna be on team offenders because its the opposite team from d*young

 

Bunny Cashmere: oh honey dont embarrass yourself trying to steal my Thing

 

Nakamoto Yuta: um i dont see any copyright so bitch its not your Thing

 

Bunny Cashmere: its copyrighted in my soul

 

regina george: tbf its weird when you do it yuta 

 

rupi kaur: mark why are you snaking the team like this

 

regina george: oh shit sorry

regina george: i shall return to the ride or die theme

regina george: fuck a cactus doyoung

 

johnny: dAMN markie you came for him

 

regina george: aha you think so?

 

johnny: no - it was weak and overused but your intention was ok i guess B-

 

spiceyer: this is a Friday Night keep your teachery mind out of this

 

johnny: but i want you to call me sir :(((

 

taemum: uM

taemum: NO KINKS IN MY GOD DAMN CHAT ROOM

 

johnny: WHOSE CHATROOM IS IT NOW

 

taemum: MINE THIS IS A COUP 

 

Bunny Cashmere: i support the coup #outwithkink

 

rupi kaur: why is that even your kink jeez thats so cheesy

 

spiceyer: are you critiquing our sex life you repressed twink

 

rupi kaur: maybe i am

 

<3: OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO TELL MY JOKE

 

rupi kaur: and im not a repressed twink

 

<3: SHUTUP

 

rupi kaur: shit sorry sicheng x

 

<3: its Fine

<3: you’ve just all ruined the build up for my ‘in fair verona where we lay our scene joke’ but thats fine i guess

 

Nakamoto Yuta: aw sicheng im sorry

 

<3: and so you should be

 

taedad: not to be that guy but i wasnt getting involved because i wanted to hear the joke

taedad: also i needed time to contemplate lobotomising my self with a spoon after johnny and ten’s /revelations/ 

 

<3: so me and taeil are gonna leave for the channel bermuda triangle and find an island there to start a colony of the only enlighten

 

baby: ok but on the subject of sons

 

spiceyer: which we are not but ok

 

baby: imagine if u had a kid 

baby: n you just taught them the wrong words for shit like u taught them a carrot was called a telephone

baby: like how fucke dup would that be

 

<3: fucke dup

 

johnny: Thats our mascot

 

Nakamoto Yuta: where even is your mind man

 

regina george: fucke dup

 

taedad: thats so fun to say aloud omg

taedad: fucke dup

 

spiceyer: fucke dup

 

Bunny Cashmere: fucke dup

 

taemum: fucke dup

 

johnny: fucke dup

 

rupi kaur: fucke dup

 

taedad: maybe fucke dup will be our always

 

baby: that implies we’re all in a massive polyamorous relationship so im going to have to give that a  big old Pass

 

<3: shame the examiner didnt feel that way about your language paper :///

 

baby: ,,,,,too soon

 

taemum: didnt you guys get your gcse results back in summer?

 

baby: im not over some things that happened in playgroup its gonna take at least 30 years to deal with the blow to my ego thats was gcses

 

taemum: fair

 

Nakamoto Yuta: hey lads who’s gonna come see the game on sunday

 

<3: this sunday? As in the day after tomorrow

 

Nakamoto Yuta: nah next sunday

 

taedad: sure im /game/

 

rupi kaur: be Quiet

 

taedad: no???

 

Bunny Cashmere: sorry im too gay for that

 

spiceyer: too gay for 22 hot sweaty athletic guys running around for an hour and a half?

 

Bunny Cashmere: ,,,,,,

Bunny Cashmere: when does the match start?

 

taemum: mood

 

spiceyer set taemum’s nickname as ‘gay-yong’

 

gay-yong: ur not wrong

 

johnny: it rhymes and therefore is the truth

 

regina george: wait is this the school football team that you’re on yuta?

 

Nakamoto Yuta: heck ye - am  team captain *insert carol hair flip*

 

Bunny Cashmere: only cause you’ve been there too damn long

 

regina george: well me n hyuck usually go to support jeno and jisung so we’ll come

 

baby: sure

baby: speaking of - why havent we added the rest of the squad into this chat

 

Bunny Cahsmere: no more kids or i will hack you all and thats a promise

 

spiceyer: throwback to when doyoung hacked me in year ten and destroyed all my coursework :)))

 

Bunny Cashmere: i SAID i was sorry

 

johnny: actually you just implied that you were at fault and gave him back the ruler you borrowed from him in year 8

 

regina george: lets shelve that for the minute,,,,

 

baby: agreed

 

johnny: #married

 

regina george: watch out seo or i’ll expose you

 

spiceyer: !!!

spiceyer: expose him how >:^)

 

johnny: i,,,resind my remark

 

regina george: Good.

 

taedad: remark more like re mark

 

<3: rescind has a c in it

 

johnny: let me Breathe

 

Nakamoto Yuta: nah breathing is for preps

 

Bunny Cashmere: who died and made you ebony darkness dementia raven way

 

Nakamoto Yuta: ,,,taeyong

 

gay-yong: im not dead??

 

baby: are you sure

 

gay-yong: i think there for i am bitch 

 

rupi kaur: ‘there for’

 

<3: that makes,, no sense

 

taedad: see are we reading this

taedad: i think therefor, i am bitch

taedad: because thats not wrong

 

gay-yong: UM

 

regina george: oh shitt

 

Bunny Cashmere: i Like this mentality

 

johnny: uh oh spaghettios

johnny: doyoung likes it? Cancel

 

gay-yong: I Like this mentality

 

rupi kaur: okay but its therefore not therefor or there for

 

Nakamoto Yuta: go away you big gay nerd

 

rupi kaur: i feel like Someone might go all shakespeare on me but im straight lads

 

Kim Dongyoung set his nickname as ‘willy shakes’

 

willy shakes: methinks the lady doth protest too much

 

rupi kaur: ,,,,

 

<3: thats,,, a bad nickname

 

spiceyer: methinks the doyoung doth pretench too much

 

regina george: pretench?

 

spiceyer: let it be.

 

taedad: nah sorry ten but we cant let that fly

 

spiceyer: who says we cant

 

taedad: me. Clearly.

 

willy shakes: and me

 

rupi kaur: yeah i agree but like

rupi kaur: no

 

spiceyer: ughh

spiceyer: you’re all haters

 

Nakamoto Yuta: you got it xox

 

spiceyer: one day i’ll be dead and you’ll all realise what a genius i was

 

spiceyer set his nickname as vincent

 

baby: hey now everyones coming for taeyong’s thing

 

gay-yong: hey you just got here you cant bully me for that

 

baby: what can i say im a fast learner

baby: ;)

 

johnny: s t o p ur 11

 

baby: on a scale of 1 - 10 

 

vincent: donghyuck,, dude,, dont go taking my territory,,, like nice try,, but no

 

gay-yong: also im still not dead

 

Bunny Cashmere: you dont need to remind me :/

 

spiceyer: is that ur final answer or would you like to phone a friend?

 

rupi kaur: ,,, sounds like something a dead person would say

 

<3: you can phone me if you like

 

gay-yong: not it isnt because dead people cant speak

 

Bunny Cashmere: lee taeyong is dead

 

Nakamoto Yuta: i’ll call you if you like sicheng

 

<3: lmao k

<3: i’ll need to give you my number tho

 

Bunny Cashmere: long live lee taeyong

 

taedad: damn nakamoto you work fast

 

Nakamoto Yuta: only when time is of the essence

 

<3: is that so

 

~~

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“Just to my room - Taeyong wanted to compare notes for history so I said I’d send him a picture of mine,” Yuta says, stopping in his tracks to look at his mum.

 

“Is Taeyong not with Taeil anymore, then?” she responds, only now looking away from the crawling end titles of the nature documentary that has been governing their friday evenings recently. 

 

“Wh-where did you get that from?” Yuta asks, “and I told you, Taeyong and Taeil aren’t together they’re -”

 

“In denial, yes,” his mother smiles knowingly, “but I haven’t had three teenage children just to not know what ‘going to my room’ really means.”

 

“Okay, I don’t even want to think about what you think I’m going to do - but also Taeyong? No thanks?”

 

“Oh, I don’t know, you could do worse.”

 

“I am not going to date Taeyong just because he complimented that scarf that literally everyone else knew was ugly,” Yuta calls back as he makes his way down the hall and up the stairs, followed by his mum’s laughter. 

 

“You can’t lie to me, but do whatever you have to darling,” he hears, and despite himself he has to smile.

 

“What’s going on?” Hanae asks him when he reaches the top of the stairs, toothpaste smeared across her cheek.

 

“Nothing you need to worry about, foul beast,” Yuta replies pushing open the door to his room.

 

“You’re the foul beast.”

 

“Maybe, but you’re related to me so you’re a foul beast too.”

 

“But you’re a bigger foul beast,” Hanae sneers.

 

“Only because you’re small - and that just means your foul beastliness is just condensed - it’s got a higher concentration.”

 

“I can’t help it that you’re freakishly tall.”

 

“It’s not called being freakishly tall - it’s growing. You should try it sometime.” 

 

“You’re funny,” is Hanae’s final deadpan reply before she slams her door shut. 

 

“I know,” he says to the empty landing, loud enough so that he knows his little sister can hear him, before going into his own room. As he flicks the light on, he feels his phone vibrate in his hand

 

~~

 

23:24

 

Dong Sicheng: here’s my number lol [screenshot107.jpeg]

 

~~

 

Sicheng. Right.

 

It takes him three tries, but Yuta finally manages to copy the number into his phone. He sits down on his bed, pushing his laptop to the floor and his thumb hovers over the call button.

 

“What are you even doing,” Yuta asks himself aloud, sighing as he shifts himself into a more comfortable position. There’s still that knot in his lower back that’s been there since tuesday and he was running late to practise and didn’t get to warm up properly - he should probably get that checked at some point, seeing as his regular stretches aren’t working. And he probably will. Probably. 

 

But for now he needs to stop running away from something that was entirely his idea and he’s not even sure why he’s nervous (well, he is, but seeing as he has literally not met Sicheng ever he’s not sure why he should be feeling things that make him feel nervous at the prospect of calling him) and call Sicheng. 

 

_ Calling Dong Sicheng… _

 

_ Beep beep… beep beep… beep beep… _

 

After the third tone, he picks up.

 

“Hey! It’s Yuta.”

 

“Hi,” replies Sicheng and Yuta doesn’t want to get his hopes up but it sounds like there’s a smile in Sicheng’s voice. He also feel like he recognises the voice but that’s probably his brain either being dumb, or him trying to convince himself subconsciously that they’re soulmates. Both equally likely.

 

“So - how are you?” 

 

“I’m good,” Sicheng laughs, “I’m good thanks. How are you?”

 

“I’m good also.”

 

“Look at that: we match.”

 

“Not too much, I hope - I don’t want to have accidentally met my clone.”

 

“Oh yeah - don’t they say that there are seven other people who look just like you in the world? Pretty trippy.” 

 

“Damn, what if we were clones?”

 

“Then that would be a bit awkward - I’d have to kill you,” Sicheng says, trying to sounds serious and succeeding in making Yuta melt on the inside a little bit.

 

“That’s understandable - there can only be one of us after all, and you clearly are the more intellectual of us.”

 

“Stop that.”

 

“Stop what?”

 

“I don’t know - that Thing you do.”

 

“I’m doing a lot of things right now though; breathing-”

 

“Well, not that one but-”

 

“- sitting, talking to a really cute guy -”

 

“See that! That’s the thing you need to stop.”

 

“What - talking to you? Damn, okay Sicheng, let me down gently why don’t you,” Yuta grins.

 

“That’s not what I mean and you know it.”

 

“Do I?”

 

“Yes, you do.”

 

“You’re right I do - but I won’t stop,” Yuta says smugly - until his smirk is wiped off his face when Sicheng just whines is reply and it’s, well, a lot.

 

“That’s not fair,” Sicheng replies and Yuta is imagining him pouting (and imaginary Sicheng has very pretty lips) which is rude, frankly, “ also that reminded me of the ‘There’s a Platypus Controlling Me’ song from Phineas and Ferb,” he continues much more soberly and Yuta laughs. 

 

“Well, maybe there is a platypus controlling me.”

 

“A clone controlled by a platypus?”

 

“Why not?”

 

“I don’t know - if I was I clone I’d hate to be controlled by a platypus. Being a clone would already make me want to rage against the man but being literally controlled? Nah.” Yuta might be a little bit in love.

 

“You’ve really thought about this, huh?”

 

“Well, as you say, I am an intellectual.”

 

“That you are.”

 

“So, what’s your favourite colour?” Sicheng asks and yep, Yuta is definitely at least 99% in love. 

 

~~

23:06

 

Bunny Cashmere: this is wilde lol

 

gay-yong: just dont have phone sex

 

baby: calm down mother superior

 

taedad: um like you’re one to talk 

 

gay-yong: sexting isnt the same as phone sex ok

 

baby: CALM DOWN MOTHER SUPERIOR

 

johnny: taeyong? Calm down? Its less likely than you think

 

baby: he cant calm down hes too edgy

 

gay-yong: child u dont even know me wtf

 

vincent: i guess you just radiate edginess

 

regina george: or it could be that fact that the only information that we know bout taeyong is his emo phase,,

 

johnny: nah its the ner

 

vincent: the what now

 

johnny: Nuclear Edge Radiation

 

gay-yong: now im no scientist but im gonna have to say that’s Not real thanks 

 

taedad: uh as an Actual scientist im going to have to say it Is real and you are the Proof

 

gay-yong: im the proof?

 

taedad: yep - you’re right in the pudding

 

baby: that was so vile i just ate my own face for a second there but we’re all good now

 

rupi kaur: days since the last lovecraftian horror themed joke: 0

 

Bunny Cashmere: im sorry but find a way to make me so angry and you bring this on yourself

 

Bunny Cashmere set rupi kaur’s nickname as ‘jae is a nerd’ 

 

jae is a nerd: bringing that one back? Repetitive. Ritualistic. Backward. Unavant garde.

 

Bunny Cashmere: ill kill you in real life

 

vincent: lads,, do you need to do this here? Or can you find some travelodge three miles away to have hate sex that the rest of us will pretend we dont know about

 

baby: thats a very detail scenario but yeah - i Agree

 

Bunny Cashmere: you know what?

 

Bunny Cashmere has left the group

 

jae is a nerd: its what we deserve xx

 

gay-yong: agreed

 

johnny: the air,,, it smells like freedom

 

baby: that;s just because ur american

 

vincent: but guys

vincent: by allowing him to stay gone we’re giving him what he wants

vincent: he hates this groupchat

 

regina george: i wonder why,,

 

taedad: good point though

taedad: he’d prefer to be gone

 

jae is a nerd: ngl you are all fools

 

johnny: no im johnny

 

jae is a nerd: doyong only pretends to hate this chat for the Drama he needs the attention

 

gay-yong: ,,,you;re right i just didnt want to add him back

 

vincent: also you read him real quick damn

 

jae is a nerd: its a talent what can i say

 

regina george: so are we adding him back or no?

 

taedad: yess,,?? I think

 

gay-yong: ngl it feels weird without him here

 

baby: aw thats cute

 

gay-yong: be silent

 

johnny: WHAT ARE WE CHOOSING

 

vincent: idk man

 

baby: should we take it to a vote?

 

regina george: ooh i like democracy

 

baby: i know

 

gay-yong: do sicheng and yuta get votes?

 

jae is a nerd: i think they’re still on the phone so thats a no

 

taedad: alright so its the majority of 7?

 

baby: sounds spankin

 

gay-yong: dont say that. Please

 

baby renamed the chat ‘spankin’

 

gay-yong: why music hellfire consume all i love

 

vincent: global warming

 

jae is a gay: ok so - all in favour (even if regretfully so) of adding doyoung back to the chat say ‘aye’

jae is a gay: and because i cant be bothered to do this a second time those not in favour say ‘nay’

 

baby: like a horse

 

jae is a gay: just fucking vote donghyuck

 

vincent: aye

 

johnny: aye

 

gay-yong: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,aye

 

regina george: aye

 

taedad: aye

 

baby: aye aye captain!

 

jae is a nerd: just know if this were a real vote that would be a spoiled ballot

 

vincent: JUST FUCKING VOTE JAEHYUN

 

jae is a nerd: fuck okay

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


gay-yong: well?

 

jae is a nerd: im tHINKING

 

johnny: even if you were going to vote against you’d be out voted

 

jae is a nerd: i Know but this is a public vote and i want to be sure im making the right statement for future prosperity here

 

gay-yong: jesus fucking christ jae if you were actually gay id say you and doyoung were made for each other just fucking Vote

 

jae is a nerd: fINE but this is ILLEGAL COERCION   
  


baby: doyoung was right,,, jae Is a nerd

 

jae is a nerd: for the sheer presence of that comment i vote

jae is a nerd: nay

 

gay-yong: finally

 

vincent: surprise surprise you;ve been outvoted

 

jae is a nerd: ,,,,,,,,

 

vincent: in the paraphrased words of a man greater than i aka an 11 on a scale of 1- 11

vincent: let the doyoung see the group chat

 

johnny: well then

johnny: here we mcfreaking go

 

gay-yong: we’re going to regret this

 

johnny added Kim Dongyoung to the chat

 

Kim Dongyoung: i knew you bitches couldn’t last without me

 

jae is a nerd: i already do

 

regina george: paddy mcguinness is an 11?

 

taedad: to be fair i love a bit of take me out

 

Kim Dongyoung: i wish someone would take me out :/

 

regina george: aww :((

 

jae is a nerd: is this in a romance way or an assassin way,, ?

 

Kim Dongyoung: both, preferably

 

gay-yong: relatable

 

regina george: this has been fun and all but im gonna have to sleep my dad wants to go cycling tomorrow

 

Kim Dongyoung: and here i was thinking both johnny and ten were too dumb to know how to ride a bike

 

johnny: ,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

vincent: stfu doyoung im begiining to rethink my vote

 

Kim Dongyoung: what vote?? Where vote??

 

baby: we all voted as to whether you would be allowed back in or not

 

gay-yong: well all of us but sicheng and yuta

 

johnny: yeah, they’re still off being gay together

 

Kim Dongyoung: ew #gross

 

jae is a nerd: sometimes i do not understand you at all,,,

 

Kim Dongyoung: and thats the way I like it

Kim Dongyoung: also goodnight markie

 

gay-yong: yeah goodnight mark

 

taedad: night markus

 

regina george: omg

 

johnny: night night markle

 

jae is a nerd: gnight mark

 

vincent: goodnoot marik

 

baby: bonsoir buffoon

 

regina george: thanks guys

regina george: i think

regina george: goodnight to you all

 

vincent: np

vincent: to be fair i should sleep also

 

Kim Dongyoung: jfc why have we all gotten in this pattern where we talk until we go to sleep

 

gay-yong: because we gay

 

vincent: tru

vincent: oki im goin night fellas

 

johnny: night ten xx

 

baby: pls tell me we’re not doing the goodnight thing all over again

 

vincent: aw why not

 

baby: life is too short, frankly

 

gay-yong: now thats a mood

gay-yong: but yeah im sleeping also why do we always have to day up so late this is so bad

 

taedad: idk you tell us you’re the edgelord

 

gay-yong: ffs

 

jae is a nerd: damn our numbers are falling

 

taedad: like a waterfall of sleep deprivation

 

Kim Dongyoung: that was,, so beautiful

Kim Dongyoung: also i read up and jaehyun you’re a bitch

 

jae is a nerd: wow that one’s original

 

johnny: ok i cant be around you too when ur being like this im out

 

Kim Dongyoung: we’re not being like anything

 

baby: you kinda are

baby: so im out too

 

johnny: out of the closet lol

 

baby: i thought you said you were Out!! Get OUT

 

johnny: but im already out of the closet

 

jae is a nerd: you know what? Im out too

 

Kim Dongyoung: !!!!

 

jae is a nerd: NOT out of the closet

jae is a nerd: there is no closet

jae is a nerd: there never was a closet im just

jae is a nerd: leaving

 

Kim Dongyoung: o k a y 

 

jae is a nerd: im lEAVING

 

Kim Dongyoung: O K A Y

 

jae is a nerd: GOODBY E

 

Kim Dongyoung: GOODNIGHT

 

jae is a nerd: thanks :)

 

Kim Dongyoung: ugh

 

taedad: then its just me n you do

 

Kim Dongyoung: me and you tae

 

taedad: noice

 

Kim Dongyoung: except im gonna go to bed

 

taedad: double noice

 

Kim Dongyoung: bmood tbh

 

taedad: yeah

 

Kim Dongyoung: yeah

 

taedad: night

 

Kim Dongyoung: night :)

 

taedad: and then there was one

taedad: i feel the need to write something for you all to be amazed by tomorrow hmmm

 

taedad: decisions decisions

  
  


01:58

 

taedad: ok i am going to use this moment to Educate the masses

taedad: ‘’’’’fun fact’’’ cows can sleep stood up

taedad: (yes yes i know you know this you know it alls yes yes)

taedad: (just WAIT)

taedad: but they can only dream lying down

taedad: so dream on my sleepy cows, dream on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after another forever i am back! with another load of nonsense and this time with some actual dialogue /shock horror/  
> i hope u like the new dimension i added cause if not uhh ya screwed  
> jk jk ill stay true to my roots until the bitter end  
> i hope everyone had a good time in the festive period :)))   
> thank you for reading and double thank you to everyone who comments - it makes my life ok  
> thank you for claudi and amy for dealing with my nonsense and validating my ego :')
> 
> and i know this isnt related but - thank you to kim jonghyun, my biggest inspiration, always - please rest peacefully. i love you. i miss you. shine on my bling bling jjong.


	6. law & order

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for your records:
> 
> vincent: ten  
> taedad: taeil  
> baby: donghyuck  
> gay-yong: taeyong  
> regina george: mark  
> jae is a nerd: jaehyun  
> <3: sicheng
> 
> enjoy :^)

14:43 - hooligans

 

Nakamoto Yuta: so just got back from a cheeky milk run

Nakamoto Yuta: relationship status update: still gay for that one cashier at morrisons

 

vincent: bitch whats ur broke ass doing in there thats only for the idle rich

 

taedad: i mean he’s idle so i guess he’s 50% there

 

johnny: 50% is a c thats a passing grade congrats u can go to morrisons

 

Kim Dongyoung: what r u talking abt - waitrose is for the idle rich, morrisons is for the ambitious middle class and old people

 

vincent: well - yuta are you ambitious or old

 

taedad: oldbitious

 

Nakamoto Yuta: im gonna go with ambitious thanks

 

vincent: ooh sexy

 

Kim Dongyoung: ???? be quiet???

 

johnny: i second this,,,

 

baby: morrisons do rlly good mini doughnuts that shit owns my ass

 

Nakamoto Yuta: i wont lie - i did only go in here for the cashier

Nakamoto Yuta: im a tescos man at heart lads you know this

 

vincent: this is true

 

Kim Dongyoung: but then - doesnt this mean ur thirstiness is overcoming your sense of loyalty? Yuta man what the Fuck

 

johnny: what a traitorous snake

 

baby: bros before hoes dude

 

taedad: more like ‘co’s before hoes

 

Kim Dongyoung: thats so uglie im taking you to tescos so you can look every employee directly in the eye and apologise

 

baby: get in loser we’re going apologising

 

vincent: thats the saddest thing Ive ever read

vincent: and i’ve read taeyong’s diary

 

Kim Dongyoung: lmao annihilated

Kim Dongyoung: @Lee Taeyong do you feel dead yet

 

baby: clam down davey jones

 

Nakamoto Yuta: ,,,was that a sea pun?

 

baby: aye

 

vincent: are we pirates now oo

 

taedad: fun fact abt pirates: the captain can officiate wedding ceremonies

 

baby: uh yeah taeil i think we All saw pirates of the carribean jfc

 

johnny: simmer down lads taeil was just being informative

 

baby: yeah well maybe he should start being

baby: not doing that

 

vincent: wow

vincent: what a comeback

 

Kim Dongyoung: ‘he should start being not doing that’ i have no words

 

Nakamoto Yuta: good

 

Kim Dongyoung: die

 

johnny: anyone else thing of ‘does bruno mars is gay’

 

vincent: JOHN

vincent: NO FUCKING WAY

vincent: THATS EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT OF

 

Kim Dongyoung: christ on a bike why the caps

 

johnny: this is why i love you xxx

 

Nakamoto Yuta: ew

taedad: anyone else get freaqued out when johnny gets called ‘john’? Because i for one am freaqued

taedad: out

 

gay-yong: wait whats up

 

Kim Dongyoung: taeil being alarmed? Did u mean the taeyong bat signal

 

gay-yong: fuck off

 

baby: ,,,why not call it the taeyong signal

 

Kim Dongyoung: why not make ur own damn joke instead of criticising mine ffs

 

baby: it was just a question take some constructive ctricism why dont you

 

Kim Dongyoung: no??? What t f

 

vincent: ,,,,’ctricism’

 

taedad: citricism

 

johnny: what is that some kind of religion for citric acid

 

taedad: maybe

taedad: idk man i just wrote what the letters made in my head

 

vincent: me trying to write anything tbh

vincent: just wish my hand had spellchecker :///

 

gay-yong: you have disabled spell check on every device you own???

 

vincent: ://///////

 

regina george: hey yo

 

johnny: maRK

 

regina george: how is everyone this fine saturday?

 

gay-yong: stressed :))

gay-yong: you?

 

regina george: same tbh aha

 

gay-yong: aha yeah

 

vincent: ok new rule, taeyong and mark are never allowed to have a conversation the combined awkwardness is going to kill us all

 

taedad: nuclear fusion of awkwardness

 

vincent: ,,,,sure that works

 

baby: oi lee is ur hand feeling better now bitch?

 

regina george: aha yeah thanks hyuck

 

Kim Dongyoung: wait tf happened to ur hand

 

johnny: omg mark did you punch some1

 

vincent: omg were you defending donghyuck’s honour and reputation

 

johnny: thats my boy

 

Nakamoto Yuta: wow toxic masculinity much

 

johnny: you know what,,,

johnny: yuta’s,,, right

 

Kim Dongyoung: you fiucking what

 

baby: what?

 

taedad: uh

 

vincent: sounds faek

 

gay-yong: yeah…. No

 

Nakamoto Yuta: in literally the noicest person here i dont deserve this

 

vincent: okay,,

 

Nakamoto Yuta: :(((

 

Nakamoto Yuta: you guys r all shit friends you guys didnt even ask me about my crush,,,,,,,,,,

 

taedad: sorry

 

baby: ‘noicest’ pls no

 

Kim Dongyoung: thats cause we dont care

 

vincent: ^

 

johnny: ,,,,,,,,,,,tell us about your crush yuta

 

gay-yong: jOHNNY

 

johnny: im SOrry ok im nice

 

Kim Dongyoung: since when lol

 

Nakamoto Yuta removed Kim Dongyoung from the chat

 

vincent: he should have expected that tbh

 

taedad: yeah it has been a while since theres been a killing in the group chat

 

baby: You wht

 

taedad: survival of the fittest

 

baby: double what

 

regina george: *wht

 

Nakamoto Yuta: I THOUGH I GOT RID OF THIS W/ DOYOUNG

Nakamoto Yuta: but ANYWAY

 

vincent: his spirit lives on

 

gay-yong: then someone call the ghostbusters

 

Nakamoto Yuta: why :)) is :)) no :)) one :)))) paying ))) attention :))))) to  :))))) me :))))))))))))

 

baby: idk you’re boring

 

vincent: OBLITERATED

 

johnny added Kim Dongyoung to the group

 

gay-yong: johnny you traitor

 

johnny: didnt think youd want to miss this lol

 

Kim Dongyoung: and you are Damn right about that wow

Kim Dongyoung: shut ur ho mouth lee

Kim Dongyoung: aslo tag yourself im ‘)))’

 

Nakamoto Yuta: be quiet right now or i’ll come over to your house and tell you in Person kim, and i know how much you hate me being in your room

 

regina george: are you guys even friends,,

 

taedad: at this point,, we’re not sure

 

baby: is,, Anyone,,, even ,,,, friends,,,?

 

regina george: :/

 

Kim Dongyoung: once again,, yall leaving me hanging,,,

Kim Dongyoung: where tf is jung

 

johnny: you know what good qustion

johnny: i know he has a party later but like

johnny: where tf is jung

 

taedad renamed the group ‘where tf is jung’

 

Kim Dongyoung: also get on with it yuta dont come near my fucking house ho

 

Nakamoto Yuta: so its my mum’s bookclub today

 

gay-yong: wow this is a truly riveting story pls go on

 

taedad: let the man speak - if this is gonna be a text essay let me focus on ignoring it xox

 

gay-yong: you make a good point

 

vincent: cute~~

 

gay-yong: shut up

 

Nakamoto Yuta: AND WE RUN OUT OF MILK

Nakamoto Yuta: the caps is because what im saying is more important than everything you guys r saying

 

baby: mm wow yes carry on with the milk story so interesting

 

regina george: ,,what do you need milk for its a book club not a milk club

 

vincent: you never know,, the blook club might be a front for something else

 

gay-yong: blook

 

baby: blook

 

taedad: maybe its a cover up for milk vampires

 

johnny: milk vampires?

 

regina george: how does that even work

 

Nakamoto Yuta: my mother is not a milk vampire

 

Kim Dongyoung: idk yutes,, ur mum’s a great lady but,, i wouldnt put it past her

 

baby: maybe the book club is a milk coven

 

taedad: dream cows for the milk coven

 

vincent: you what m8

 

taedad: did u not read the Message

 

regina george: what message

 

taedad: did you

taedad: did you guys seriously not read it

 

johnny: ,,,no?

 

taedad has left the group

 

gay-yong: see yuta this is what your dumb story has done

 

Nakamoto Yuta: HoW is this My fault

 

Kim Dongyoung: i mean

Kim Dongyoung: isnt everything

 

baby: just get on with the damn story man

 

johnny added Moon Taeil to the group

 

johnny: continue

 

Nakamoto Yuta: fine. I shall. But. yall. Better. Listen.

 

jae is a nerd: how can we listen if its a text

 

regina george: lol good point

 

vincent: JAE

 

johnny: ayoo jaehyun welcome to the longest story time of ur life

 

jae is a nerd: um ok then

 

Kim Dongyoung: get on with it then

 

Nakamoto Yuta: so we’ve run out of milk for book club which is needed for TEA not any vampiric activities

 

jae is a nerd: glad to have that clarification

 

Kim Dongyoung: SHUT

 

baby: just read up man we’ve been trying to figure out the point of this bullshit forever

 

Moon Taeil: i still want an apology

 

Nakamoto Yuta: and also the milk jug is broken, so my mum tells me to go to morrisons instead of tescos because if she’s pouring from the carton she’s gotta Keep Up Appearances

 

jae is a nerd: love that show lol

 

Kim Dongyoung: who even Are you

 

jae is a nerd: your worst nightmare

 

Kim Dongyoung: you got that one right

 

Moon Taeil: dressed like a daydream?

 

vincent set Moon Taeil’s nickname as ‘ms taylor swift’

 

gay-yong: what happened to ‘SHUT’

 

Nakamoto Yuta: so i go to morrisons and you know how like for that month my grandma stayed we had to go to morrisons because thats the only food she will Allow and i fell in Love with that cashier

Nakamoto Yuta: well he was there. Ethereal as ever. And even as I payed for my overpriced milk, I wanted to give him all the my money in the world

 

gay-yong: ‘’’all the my money in the world’’’’’’’

 

Kim Dongyoung: omg is this earring boy

 

Nakamoto Yuta: YES THIS IS EARRING BOY

 

Kim Dongyoung: THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE STARTED WITH THAT

 

Nakamoto Yuta: YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST LISTENED

 

Kim Dongyoung: YOU KNOW IM NOT GOOD AT THAT

 

regina george: who is earring boy

 

baby: ME

 

Nakamoto Yuta: wait what

Nakamoto Yuta: you’re the morrisons cashier i’ve been ready to marry for like 6 months?

 

ms taylor swift: ooooh the plot thickens

 

baby: lol no

 

ms taylor swift: the plot unthickens

 

baby: but it would be bants if i was lol

 

Nakamoto Yuta: you had me fucking shit scared for a second there wow

 

regina george: me too

 

johnny: oh????

 

baby: lol ok

 

regina george: yeah - i didnt think you had your ears pierced so i thought i just hadnt noticed or smth

 

baby: to be fair thats something you wouldnt notice

 

regina george: um i totally would

 

Nakamoto Yuta: well earring boy doesnt actually have his ears pierced

 

vincent: ooooooooooooo

 

ms taylor swift: the plot Re-thickens

 

jae is a nerd: then why is he earring boy?

 

Kim Dongyoung: because the one (1) actual conversation yuta has had with this boy was about yuta’s earrings

 

Nakamoto Yuta: ‘I like your earrings today’ - earring boy, direct quote

 

jae is a nerd: and now you’re in love with him?

 

Nakamoto Yuta: pretty much lol

 

Kim Dongyoung: dont worry child, its gay culture to have a crush on every guy you think might be gay

 

baby: true lol

 

jae is nerd set Nakamoto Yuta’s nickname to ‘romeoto’

 

romeoto: im not even mad lol

 

johnny: if this is romeo and juliet who am i

 

jae is a nerd: lol idk

 

regina george: who am i lol

 

jae is a nerd: benvolio

 

johnny: et tu brute

 

Kim Dongyoung: wrong play

 

jae is a nerd set regina george’s nickname to ‘benvoleeo’

 

Kim Dongyoung: dont take this as a compliment

Kim Dongyoung: but that was good

 

jae is a nerd: no compliments taken

jae is a nerd: also

 

jae is a nerd set Kim Dongyoung’s nickname to ‘nurse’

 

nurse: ho

nurse: wtf

 

romeoto: this is nice but the conversation was about me thanks

 

gay-yong: when will the self centredness end

 

ms taylor swift: when we’re all dead

 

johnny: well thats

 

vincent: true

 

johnny: morbid

 

ms taylor swift: its only morbid if you’re afraid of death

 

benvoleeo: nah im p sure its still morbid even if you’re not afraid of death

 

ms taylor swift: i dont have time for you naysayers

 

baby: naysayers?

 

jae is a nerd set baby’s nickname to ‘mercutleeo’

 

mercutleeo: eyyyyyyy

 

ms taylor swift renamed the group ‘naysayers’

 

ms taylor swift: naysayers

 

gay-yong: we are the knights who say nay

 

johnny: more like the knights who say ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

nurse: go be a fuckboy somewhere else

 

<3: yes m’am

 

ms taylor swift: sicheng. Welcome

 

<3: thanks??

 

jae is a nerd: Hey Sicheng DM Me Now Please

 

<3: what ok

 

johnny: uh this is my gc so You go be a fuck boy somewhere else thanks xox

 

nurse: cant if im not a fuckboy xox

 

johnny: if im a fuckboy why arent you a fuckboy

 

nurse: it is Law

 

romeoto: ok then judge judy

 

nurse: a powerful intelligent woman,, im not offended

 

gay-yong: really we should be asking what Jury decided

 

nurse: #democracy #taeyongsnotwrong #votedoyoung

 

jae is a nerd: vote doyoung? vote doyoung for what?

 

vincent: idk maybe the head boy position he lost the election for

 

nurse: hey i didnt lose

nurse: disqualification is not losing

 

mercutleeo: ,,,,what is it then

 

nurse: ,,,rebellion

 

ms taylor swift: thats not very in character

 

johnny: i wasnt aware this was a role play

johnny: whats the safeword

 

gay-yong: Um there are Children present

 

ms taylor swift: but are there children,, future

 

mercutleeo: not if the impending nuclear war that will probably happen occurs

 

vincent: or global warming kills us all

 

<3: or yellowstone erupts and we die in a nuclear winter

 

benvoleeo: well

benvoleeo: this is fun

 

johnny: yeah no lets stick with the role play

  


16:34

 

dong: so why am i dming you?

 

jong: now i may be wrong

jong: jk im never wrong

jong: but i think yuta has a crush on you

 

dong: uh yeah i Noticed that one

dong: im not that dumb jeesus

 

jong: aha yeah no

jong: he ‘has a crush on this guy who works at morrisons

jong: WHO SAID

jong: I LIKE

jong: YOUR EARRINGS

jong: TODAY

 

dong: :O

 

jong: ik

 

dong: :OOOO

dong: :OOOOOOO

 

jong: do u have to do that

 

dong: this is the way im dealing with the emotions let me be

 

jong: fine

jong: but whats the Plan here

 

dong: hmm yea no

dong: dont want one of those

 

jong: are we telling yuta or no

 

dong: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

jong: im guessing thats a no

 

dong: actually its an uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

jong: is that a no(t yet)

 

dong: bicth

dong: its an uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

jong: so you wouldnt mind if i just went ‘hey guys sicheng told me this story about a guy he met at morrisons who had a top quality face and now he has a baby crush on him is that You yuta?’

 

dong: you wouldnt daRe

 

jong: wouldn’t i

  


16:41 - hooligans

 

jae is a nerd: hey guys

 

<3: fuck ok

 

benvoleeo: ????

  


16:42

 

dong: FUCk ok

dong: its a no(t yet)

 

jong: was that so hard

 

dong: Yes

dong: i just

dong: dk

 

jong: bigmood

 

dong: how would i even bring the conversation up

dong: its not a Regular conversation

 

jong: by bringing it up

 

dong: thanks

 

jong: welc

jong: well u dont have to do anything for the time being

jong: you can bide your time

 

dong: who am i voldemort

 

jong: maybe

jong: i’ll support you no matter what

 

dong: even if i become a genocidal maniac?

 

jong: yup

jong: thats friendship bitch

  


16:44 - hooligans

 

vincent: ,,,was that part of the roleplay?

 

jae is a nerd: nvm

 

nurse: ORDER

 

romeoto: hey i wanted to be the judge

 

nurse set their nickname to ‘judge’

 

judge: too late

 

benvoleeo: wait who’s on the stand

 

judge: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

 

gay-yong: oh no

 

judge set gay-yong’s nickname to ‘defendant’

 

romeoto: lol

romeoto: knew it wasnt going to be me aha

 

judge: dont lie you were shit scared

judge: also tag yourself im ‘aha’

 

jae is a nerd: im ‘knew it wasnt going to be me’

 

vincent: how is this even relevant

 

judge: now thats the kind of critical thinking we need in the jury

 

vincent: oh no

 

judge set vincent’s nickname to ‘jury’

 

<3: but you cant have one person in a jury

 

defendant: yeah what happened to democracy

 

judge: ORDER

 

jae is a nerd: i feel like power is being abused here

 

judge: i’ll abuse u in a sec

 

romeoto: kinki

 

judge: MOTHER FUCKING ORDER

 

jae is a nerd: show me your gavel first bitch

 

judge: i fucking will,, meet me in court ho

 

defendant: im gonna plead guilty just to make this stop

 

judge: wait no

judge: you cant do that

 

mercutleeo: ‘you cant follow the course of justice that ruins my sexual tension’

 

judge: ,,,,,,,,,,,

 

jae is a nerd: its not sexual tension if im straight

 

johnny: ‘’’if’’’’’

 

judge: fine

 

judge set jury’s nickname to  ‘juror #1’

 

judge set <3’s nickname to ‘juror #2’

 

judge set mercutleeo’s nickname to ‘juror #3’

 

judge: happy?

 

defendant: i mean not really

defendant: why am i even on trial

 

ms taylor swift: why is there even a trial

ms taylor swift: we were talking law as in legislation

ms taylor swift: not court

 

johnny: thats a Good Fucking Point

 

romeoto: idk why we cant just go back to talking about me

 

juror #3: because ur boring as hell

 

romeoto: damn,, ok

 

juror #2: i dont think you’re that boring yuta

 

romeoto: aw thanks sicheng  <333

 

juror #1: emphasis on ‘’THAT’’

 

romeoto: wow ok rude no need for that

 

judge: taeyong is on trial because of the allegation

judge: that he

 

johnny: ,,,yes

 

judge: is Gay

 

defendant: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

ms taylor swift: jfcc

 

jae is a nerd: um being gay became decriminalised in 1967 so uhh

jae is a nerd: stop that

 

judge: thats very gay of you to know

judge: but i digress

 

benvoleeo: jesus f*cking christ christ?

 

ms taylor swift: no

ms taylor swift: jfcc

ms taylor swift: because he thicc

 

juror #3: this is actuale homophobia wtf

 

juror #1: wait jesus isnt gay ?

 

romeoto: are you asking genuinely or in disbelief

romeoto: like is it ‘jesus isnt gay? Wth i though he was’

romeoto: or like ‘jesus isnt gay? You fucking dumbs???’

 

juror #1: uh

juror #1: the second one

 

judge: who says jesus isnt gay first of all

judge: peter and jc had some bigoff sexual tension

judge: also tag urself im ‘i though he was’

 

jae is a nerd: ,,remind me to never let you speak to my dad

jae is a nerd: also im ‘you fucking dumbs’

 

johnny: you know i really though this gc would be a good idea

 

ms taylor swift: clearly You were wrong

 

johnny: ://

 

judge: just

judge: play along ffs

 

defendant: whos the prosecution anyway

 

judge: good q

judge: it is society

 

juror #3: this is getting more homophobia

 

juror #2: ‘’more  homophobia’’

 

benvoleeo: who’s the prosecutor then?

 

judge: hmmm

 

judge set jae is a nerd’s nickname to ‘lawyer for the prosecution’

 

lawyer for the prosecution: what

lawyer for the prosecution: why me

 

judge: idk

 

johnny: get a room

 

ms taylor swift: yeah,, a Court room

 

juror #1: s t o p

 

juror #2 set renamed the group ‘court room #1’

 

benvoleeo: why are we numbering this

 

romeoto: whos the laywer for the defense then??

 

judge set romeoto’s nickname to ‘lawyer for the defense’

 

lawyer for the defense: -_-

lawyer for the defense: but i liked being romeoto

 

lawyer for the prosecution: dw we’ll bring it back when he’s least expecting it

 

judge: im Right here

 

juror #3: i thought you were left wing

 

defendant: this is why we shouldn’t talk so early in the day

defendant: theres too much room for bullshit

 

juror #1: agreed- this has messed up my internal time clock

 

lawyer for the defense: time clock more like time cock

 

juror #3: What The Actual Fuck

 

defendant: ,,,, can i get a different lawyer

 

judge: No.

 

johnny: what happened to all the democracy,,,,,

 

judge: it can come back when we’ve convicted taeyong

 

lawyer for the defense: sounds like ur biased your honour

 

judge: sounds like you should mind your own business

 

juror #3: you Literally made this nonsense all our business??

 

juror #2: i dont even know what i have to do

 

ms taylor swift: i dont even have an Official Role

 

judge: ugh fine

 

judge set ms taylor swift’s nickname to ‘witness #1’

 

judge set johnny’s nickname to ‘witness #2’

 

benvoleeo: wat

benvoleeo: *what am i then

 

juror #3: wat

 

juror #2: wat

 

defendant: wat

 

lawyer for the defense: wat

 

juror #1: wat

 

witness #1: wat

 

lawyer for the prosecution: wat

 

witness #2: wat

 

judge: wat

 

benvoleeo: well that was unneccessary

 

juror #3: so was that second c

 

benvoleeo: go away

 

benvoleeo set juror #3’s nickname to satan

 

satan: :/

 

judge: NO

judge: YOU MESSED UP MY MOOSE

 

juror #2: to be fair,, if you’re not gonna get on with it,, whats the point

 

lawyer for the defense: well said

 

lawyer for the prosecution: what am i even supposed to do

  


18:47

 

Kim Dongyoung: ok so

Kim Dongyoung: i need you to do me a favour

 

Jung Jaehyun: another one? got another bff who’s lovelife you want me to investigate?

 

Kim Dongyoung: just

Kim Dongyoung: im trying something here

 

Jung Jaehyun: trying my patience :)

 

Kim Dongyoung: you’re hilarious

Kim Dongyoung: but seriously

Kim Dongyoung: i need you, as lawyer for the prosecution, to ask Questions that Will Make Taeil Jealous

 

Jung Jaehyun: ,,,,,wow

Jung Jaehyun: i have seen some things in my time

Jung Jaehyun: but this,,, this just might be the stupidest

 

Kim Dongyoung: shut up im smarter than all of you put together and you know it

Kim Dongyoung: it’ll work trust me

Kim Dongyoung: we need to make taeil aware that he is into taeyong, as are other people

 

Jung Jaehyun: right.

Jung Jaehyun: how am i going to do that

 

Kim Dongyoung: well keep it banterous but like

Kim Dongyoung: Convey that taeyong is a desirous twink, who many would be interested in and Should be dating

 

Jung Jaehyun: im wingmanning him through interviewing him?

 

Kim Dongyoung: p much

Kim Dongyoung: the jury is already sorted with their verdict so you just need to leave some hints

Kim Dongyoung: ,,,,any questions?

 

Jung Jaehyun: uh yeah - when the Fuck do you come up with bullshit like this

Jung Jaehyun: and what makes you think im going to do it

 

Kim Dongyoung: well

 

Jung Jaehyun: also you’re a control freak

 

Kim Dongyoung: thats not a question

 

Jung Jaehyun: no but its still true

 

Kim Dongyoung: well thats rude

Kim Dongyoung: also this isnt that complex, its didnt take that long to come up with

Kim Dongyoung: maybe you’re just not as smart as I thought you were wow

 

Jung Jaehyun: is this really how you want to treat someone you’re asking for a favour

 

Kim Dongyoung: yes. Because you’re still going to do it

 

Jung Jaehyun: am i now

 

Kim Dongyoung: you are. Because you want to see if this will work and you want to stir shit

 

Jung Jaehyun: i dont think this is proper legal procedure

 

Kim Dongyoung: shut up you know im right

 

Jung Jaehyun: you are making a lot of presumptions here about what i want which isnt something you’re very well versed in

 

Kim Dongyoung: am i wrong though

 

Jung Jaehyun: in all sorts of ways.

 

Kim Dongyoung: you’re infuriating.

 

Jung Jaehyun: only to you

 

Kim Dongyoung: maybe im the only person who’s told you

 

Jung Jaehyun: maybe. I doubt it

 

Kim Dongyoung: look. Just do me this one favour

 

Jung Jaehyun: on top of that other favour im doing you

 

Kim Dongyoung: yes. On top of that one

Kim Dongyoung: just do them and i’ll fucking steer clear of involving you in anything else again

 

Jung Jaehyun: fine. Sounds good :)

 

Kim Dongyoung: good.

 

Jung Jaehyun: what - no ‘thank you’?

 

Kim Dongyoung: thank you.

 

Jung Jaehyun: no problem :)

Jung Jaehyun: also doyoung?

 

Kim Dongyoung: yes

 

Jung Jaehyun: winnie the pooh?

 

Kim Dongyoung: shut up.

  


17:06 - court room #1

 

judge: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO

judge: THE SESSION IS STARTING NOW HOS BE FUCKING READY

 

juror #1: ok ok we’re ready

 

satan: are you feeling it mr krabs

 

witness #1: w h a t

 

satan: felt applicable

 

witness #2: hate to be the one to tell you this but it wasnt m8

 

satan: waht do you know m8

judge: silence in the court room

judge: prosecutor

judge: you’re up :)

 

lawyer for the prosecution: seeing as you asked so nicely

 

judge: please

 

lawyer for the prosecution: i call the defendant to the stand

 

judge: @Lee Taeyong

 

defendant: i just wanna say

defendant: this is bullshit

 

juror #1: we’re all q aware thx

 

lawyer for the prosecution: mr lee taeyong IF thats your real name please swear upon whatever literary text preferably something with feminist subtext

 

defendant: uh

defendant: i have a copy of the tiger who came to tea?

 

lawyer for the prosecution: that’ll do

 

witness #1: thats a damn good book

 

lawyer for the defense: you know i dont htink i ever read the ending

 

juror #1: ???what

 

witness #2: how did you avoid reading the ending it’s like 20 pages long

 

judge: ,,,,tag yourself im ‘i dont htink’

 

lawyer for the prosecution: im ‘the ending’

 

benvoleeo: well that depressing

 

satan: this is a court of law of course its depressing

 

judge: that man has the right idea

judge: now continue

 

lawyer for the prosecution: sure

 

witness #1: dont u mean of Court its depressing

 

satan: ,,,,,,,

satan: no

 

lawyer for the prosecution: NOw mr. lee do you swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

 

defendant: i do?

 

satan: you may now kiss the bride

 

juror #2: who’s the bride

 

juror #1: pete wentz if taeyong’s 14 y/o diary is anything to go by

 

defendant: i should never have let you read that

 

juror #1: i mean thats Obvious

 

lawyer for the prosecution: now mr. lee

lawyer for the prosecution: you have been known to be a very affectionate and loving person

 

defendant: i

defendant: yes??

 

lawyer for the prosecution: a person who loves fiercely and is very loyal

 

defendant: im a hufflepuff if thats what you mean

 

lawyer for the defense: lmao

 

lawyer for the prosecution: you have also been said to be a ‘twunk’

 

defendant: ok?

 

lawyer for the prosecution: in your past as a loving and generous person would you say you have been guilty of having mutual and unconditional love and respect for your partners

 

defendant: i should hope so?? ? ??

 

lawyer for the prosecution: that is all

lawyer for the prosecution: call the first witness to the stand please your honour

 

lawyer for the defense: dont i get a go

 

judge: no

judge: first witness to the stand

 

witness #1: ayo

 

lawyer for the prosecution: now pls swear on that anthology of pablo neruda poems ten got you last christmas

 

witness #1: uh ok

 

juror #1: UM DONT EXPOSE ME LIKE THIS

 

benvoleeo: aha i think its cute

 

satan: no on asked

 

juror #1: leave my son alone ho

 

witness #2: leave mY son alone Hoe

 

witness #1: excuse me kids this is my time to shime

 

lawyer for the defense: time to what now

 

lawyer for the prosecution: shime bright like a diamond

 

judge: gay

 

witness #1: stop flirtinging and interview Me

 

lawyer for the prosecution: ffs ok

 

defendant: why is taeil a witness anyway

 

judge: because who else here has witnessed more of your dumb gay ass xox

 

satan: ORDER

 

judge: you cant say order i say order

 

satan: you were getting distracted your honour xoxoxo

 

judge: fuck you

 

satan: no can do bud, try again later when i’m of age and you’re attractive

 

benvoleeo: im 100% sure you deliberately misconstrued that

 

satan: you know me so well minhyung :))

 

lawyer for the prosecution: SO

lawyer for the prosecution: monsieur moon tae il

 

benvoleeo: uh

benvoleeo: have i fucked up somehow

benvoleeo: u dont call me minhyung

 

witness #1: tis i

 

satan: dw

 

lawyer for the defense: omg what is the beef

 

witness #2: shutup yuta

 

judge: lol yeah shut up yuta

 

benvoleeo: shit i have i

 

lawyer for the prosecution: can u guys save ur drama im trying to focus

 

witness #1: yeah lads go sort this out when we’re not in court

 

judge: thats the mindset i like to see

 

lawyer for the prosecution: now moon man sign on whatever official documentation is appropriately to hand

 

witness #1: i have aqa chemistry for a2?

 

witness #2: sexy

 

juror #2: how is that sexy

 

witness #2: all the chemisty ;;)

 

lawyer for the defense: chemisty - because science is confusing

 

satan: wouldn’t that make it a chemystery?

 

lawyer for the prosecution:,,,,,,,,,,,,

lawyer for the prosecution: when did you meet the defendant

 

witness #1: omg do u want a real answer

 

satan: nah they lawyer in the court of law is asking u for a fake answer

 

witness #1: OK WHO INVITED YOU

 

benvoleeo: me, unfortunately

benvoleeo: speaking of

benvoleeo: are you heading round to mine before we head to jaehyun’s for pre’s?

 

witness #1: well i met taeyong in year 7 - history, because that was the only class we werent given a seating plan and we both aimed for the seat at the back near the window? And yeah since then best friends

 

lawyer for the prosecution: shit lads are we preing at mine?

 

juror #2: isnt it at renjun’s?

 

lawyer for the prosecution: yeah i think it has to be cause my dad here atm

 

satan: ahh right thats chill

 

juror #1: are you alcoholing my younglings?

 

benvoleeo: uh

 

defendant: umm i hope none of u are planning on drinking and driving

 

juror #2: ofc not

 

satan: you know what they say

satan: drink to think

 

witness #2: hyuck no

 

benvoleeo: aha no dont worry we’re just ‘preing’ at renjun’s (it was gonna be jaehyuns cause its closer but its chill that its not) and then we’re walking to rajani’s to its all good :)

 

defendant: oh cool :)

 

judge: OBJECTION

 

lawyer for the defense: what the fuck ur the judge so u cant objct

lawyer for the defense: and we’re not doing ur wierd role play anymore

lawyer for the defense: i think

 

judge: uh i can object #mycourtmyrules

judge: i object to mark and taeyong Communicating when neither of them can function like real human beings

judge: and also tag yourself im ‘i think’

 

lawyer for the prosecution: im ‘ur wierd role play’

 

judge: of course you are

 

witness #1: it seems that yuta was just a fool playing by the rules

 

juror #1: i-is that an abba reference

 

judge: d-did you just stutter over text you fucking wreck of a human being

 

witness #1: what can i say im gay

 

juror #2: and a poet

 

satan: eXtra gay

 

witness #2: WOW ok lets simmer down

 

juror #2: like a soup

 

defendant: ew thats gross

 

benvoleeo: what the heck i love soup !

 

defendant: yes but an us soup would be gross

 

witness #2: what u sayin abt the U S of A hmm???

 

juror #1: shit taeyong now u’ve gonne and done it

 

defendant: i was just saying a soup made out of US as in YOU GUYS AND ME would be GROSS i hATE YOU ALL

 

judge: damn you rite that would be gr0ss

 

lawyer for the defense: oh idk it could be fun ;;)

 

lawyer for the prosecution: what kind of soup are we talking here

 

benvoleeo: metaphorical i hope

 

satan: no, we’re really going to dice each other up and boil our body parts in a broth

 

lawyer for the defense: ,,,,,,,kinky

 

witness #1: at this point im just disappointed

 

juror #2: plot twist: your kink is being disappointed

 

judge: explains why he and taeyong are fuck buddies

 

defendant: i can honestly say, hand on heart, that i hate you with all the fiery passion of a thousand angry suns

 

judge: thats an interesting way to say that you think im hot thx bby xox

 

defendant removed judge from the group

 

satan: power play

 

juror #1: finally. The evil is defeated

 

lawyer for the prosecution: anyone else feeling a sense of anticlimactic disappointment that we didn’t finish the trial? Me too

 

Jung Jaehyun set their nickname to ‘judge #2’

 

witness #2: i fuckin hate all these numbers

 

juror #1: wanna say that again babe :)

 

lawyer for the defense: lmao

 

judge #2: alright listen up u fucking reprobates

 

benvoleeo: lol thats fun cause we’re ‘in a court of law’

 

satan: its so hard to be your friend sometimes

 

judge #2: im calling the second witness to the stand

 

defendant: wait whos the lawyer now

 

judge #2: still me bitch i can multitask - im already putting up with this bullshit while getting ready for tonight :/

 

witness #1: damn ok these are some gay dramatics for a straight

 

judge #2: thanks

judge #2: so mr johnathan seo swear on ur photo of your boyfriend’s uglie red hair from when he was 14 that u have on ur bedside table

 

witness #2: ,,,,,done

 

juror #1: i dont know how to feel about that

 

lawyer for the defense: thats because you dont have any emotions

 

witness #1: i mean is he wrong

 

juror #1: ur all bastards

 

satan: dont hate us because you aint us

 

juror #1: nah i think i’ll just hate you because you are you

 

benvoleeo: well thats prejudiced

 

juror #1: i’ll live

 

juror #2: thats what they all say

 

lawyer for the defense: well now im scared

 

juror #2: you love it ;)

 

lawyer for the defense: i

 

judge #2: JONH

 

satan: lol

 

judge #2: did you or did you not witness the defendant asking if he was ‘a twink’

 

witness #2: i did

 

witness #1: oh man this is real intense now lol

 

defendant: so it seems

 

judge #2: did you or did you not witness the defendant be falsely categorized as a ‘twunk’, a category of gay male

 

witness #2: i guess i did - but ‘falsely’? What

 

judge #2: come on the guy’s a twink

 

defendant: excuse me

 

juror #2: you;re excused

 

defendant: ,,,,,,,,,

 

juror #1 added Kim Dongyoung to the group

 

juror #1: state your case bitch

 

Kim Dongyoung: i though you’d never add me back jfc

 

satan: that was the plan

 

judge #2: taeyong is a twink im not sorry

 

Kim Dongyoung: how astute of you,,, for a straight

 

judge #2: just because im straight doesnt mean im not right

 

witness #1: to be fair,,, i agree with jaehyun

 

Kim Dongyoung: this ! is not! The case! We ! are fighting!

 

juror #1: poor execution of the misuse of punctuation. D-

 

lawyer for the prosecution: he wishes

 

juror #2: lol same

 

Kim Dongyoung: just ask yuta your wishes will be fulfilled xox

 

witness #1: Now! Thats What I Call Gross!

 

judge #2: the point remains!! Taeyong was classified as a typical gay - now messeur johneth, what was your evidence for this Hot Take

 

benvoleeo: hot take ahahaha

 

satan: mark im outside ur house and i can hear your dumb laugh from here shut up

 

benvoleeo: ,,,,,you could have just knocked

 

satan: ugh fine

satan: ,,, are you happy now?

 

benvoleeo: very :)

 

lawyer for the defense: w h i p p e d

 

witness #2: my evidence your honour is that i have seen the defendant (lee taeyong) showing his partners over the years (including mr moon taeil) with true romance and support,,, a truly gay quality

witness #2: aslo they fuckin

 

benvoleeo: ,,,,,,

 

witness #1: this is cute but johnny,,,,, ://

 

defendant: i feel like this testimony is irrelevant

 

lawyer for the defendant: you’re irrelevant

 

juror #1: wow gr8 defense u got there

 

Kim Dongyoung: the judge decides what is relevant to the case xox

 

judge #2: yeah bitch where’s ur god now

 

defendant: still non-existent seeing as im p atheistic

 

juror #2: lmao you’ve been Got

 

judge #2: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,i call the defendant to the stand

 

lawyer for the defense: dont i get a go first

 

Kim Dongyoung: no

 

judge #2: no

 

defendant: no you dont

defendant: k im on the stand what do i do now sir

 

juror #1: ‘’’’sir’’’ lol what a bottom

 

defendant: eXCUSE ME

 

Kim Doyoung: lmao e x p o s e d

 

witness #1: chill guys taeyong’s just in denial and thinks hes a switch its ok i’ll get through it

 

witness #2: taeil,, ask for the veteran’s discount next time ur at the check out

witness #1: good shout

 

defendant has left the group

 

juror #2: aw no guys i think taeyongs sad now

 

Kim Dongyoung: nah he’s just self conscious we’ll grovel later and he’ll be fine

 

juror #1: yeah he knows we love him bottom or not

 

judge #2: well no matter what hes into i need him back on the stand so

 

judge #2 added Lee Taeyong to the group

 

Kim Dongyoung: welcome home

 

Lee Taeyong: ,,,have you guys stopped talking about me yet

 

juror #1: nOPE

 

Lee Taeyong: great.

 

juror #2: jae we’re all at renjun’s have set off yet boi?

 

witness #2: you love us xox

 

judge #2: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,perhaps not

 

satan: :/

 

judge #2: fuck ok hold on

judge #2: lee taeyong

 

Lee Taeyong: yea

 

judge #2: how do you plead to the charges

 

lawyer for the defense: what were the charges again

 

satan: well i didnt want to believe it but the judicial system really is a sham

 

witness #1: you’re a sham

 

satan:  but a pretty one xox

 

benvoleeo: objection

benvoleeo: no ur not

 

satan: stop running so i can throw my drink at you

 

juror #2: jaehyun pls get ur flat butt here pronto

 

judge #2: im trying i promise

 

Kim Dongyoung: @Lee Taeyong come and end this mess

 

Lee Taeyong: oh fuck ok

Lee Taeyong: guilty i guess

 

witness #2: gucci guilty

 

juror #1: stop yourself

 

judge #2: THEN WHAT THE SHIT DID I DO ALL THIS LAWYERING FOR

 

Lee Taeyong: lol its ok do you want me to deny

 

judge #2: no its ok but you could have at least tried

 

Kim Dongyoung: yeah you could have tried  to get into the role play ffs

Kim Dongyoung: taeil how do u put up with this

 

Lee Taeyong: uh you’ll never take me Alive

 

judge #2: you’re making it worse

 

witness #1: gotta keep him focused yknow

 

juror #2: i think u did a great job of lawyering

 

judge #2: thanks

 

witness #1: its ok tae ik you tried

witness #1: seeing as jaehyun’s interrogation mainly involved us praising you, im sure he’ll live

 

judge #2: if i have to

 

satan: big mood.

satan: now get here and bring my vodka

 

judge #2: fuck im on my way

judge #2: court adjourned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah - that was a long one - but i hope u enjoyed  
> all the comments i've had on this have been so lovely and really help motivate me to write because i love attention so pls if you have any thoughts at all lmk lol  
> i hope yall are having a good summer (or winter if ur living that southern hemishpere life) and r enjoying nu'est astro + triple h's new comebacks cause i 10000000% recommend top quality stuff There  
> as always thank you to amy and claudi for being the best betas i could ask for i love you both so much (stan pentagon pls)  
> and if you have any comments or criticism pls let me know  
> so yeah thank u for reading xxxxxxxxxxx

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first nct fic so sorry if its shit lol
> 
> ngl im gonna be shit at updating (am in the middle of writing a long ass svt fic that i should be working on Now) but updates will happen :^)
> 
> hit me up if u have any comments/questions/criticisms etc x


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